Family

Teaching Humor

bduval — Thu, 04 Jan 2024 18:09:05 +0000

Teaching Humor bduval Thu, 01/04/2024 - 18:09

Teaching Humor

2023-02-01

Mark Sandor

Just because something seems funny doesn’t mean it’s good. Help your children develop the right kind of humor that everyone can enjoy!

Some have claimed that laughter is the best medicine. Did you know that scientists have put that phrase to the test and examined the effects of humor and laughter on the human body? The Mayo Clinic reports that laughter-related stress relief brings both short- and long-term benefits. In the short term, laughter stimulates vital organs, lowers blood pressure, and aids circulation and muscle relaxation. Beyond that, the release of stress through laughter can improve our immune system, relieve our pain, and improve our overall mood (“Stress relief from laughter? It’s no joke,” MayoClinic.org, July 29, 2021).

It is encouraging to see science promote something as enjoyable as laughter. So, what does the Bible have to say? How should parents approach laughter and humor with their children?

Young children often are sources of humor and laughter for their families (and themselves!) as they explore the world, make new discoveries, and play with unlimited imaginations. My daughter once decided she would be our waitress for dinner and politely asked me what I wanted to drink. Delighted to have her take my order, I asked for a coffee. You can imagine my surprise—and amusement—when my daughter mustered all her five-year-old seriousness to inform me that her pretend kitchen had no coffee and I would need to make another selection.

As children advance into their teenage years, their humor matures, as well. Instead of simply imagining silly scenarios, they now want to tell their own jokes, create their own humor, and earn their own laughs. Of course, this is not inherently sinful, but the Bible reveals that not all humor is created equal. How many of us have a story about our teenager (or ourselves) getting in trouble because they were trying to be funny?

This is nothing new and is a normal part of the child’s maturation process and the parenting experience. The Bible reveals that certain types of humor should be pruned out of the lives of Christians and their children. In Ephesians 5, the Apostle Paul describes several behaviors that should “not even be named among you,” which include “coarse jesting” (vv. 3–4). The Greek word translated “coarse” can also be translated as “obscene,” “vulgar,” or “suggestive.” Godly teenagers know that although being rude, cursing, or telling sexual jokes often draws laughter from their peers, they must resist the temptation.

This is not to say that teens are the only culprits; they frequently see this type of humor modeled in the movies adults produce, the jokes professional comedians tell, and sometimes even in vulgarity from political leaders. But the Bible is clear: We should correct our children if they use this type of humor. Moreover, we ourselves, as parents and adults, should repent if we sin by indulging in it.

Harmful Humor

The Bible reveals several other traps involving humor, such as treating it as a “get-out-of-jail-free card.” Proverbs 26:18–19 says, “Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death, is the man who deceives his neighbor, and says, ‘I was only joking!’” These verses provide strong warnings against practical jokes or other deceptions that are done in the name of comedy, letting us know that when a joke or jest is made at someone else’s expense, it is not godly humor. Unfortunately, this negative, sniping, deceptive, insulting humor is frequently the easiest to learn and the most often modeled by society at large.

Another warning that the Bible gives us is that laughter is not always joyous and medicinal. Sometimes it can be mocking and derisive. Proverbs 29:9 warns that “whether the fool rages or laughs, there is no peace.” While our children might not be the one making the joke, do they laugh along with the fool? If one of their friends insults or “pranks” someone, do our teens encourage the insulting jest, deception, or prank by laughing at the brunt of the joke? If “I was only joking” can be used as an excuse for ungodly humor, how much more can our teens be tempted by the excuse “I was only laughing”? Proverbs 18:21 reminds us that “death and life are in the power of the tongue,” and this certainly applies to humor.

To be sure, friends of all ages like to tease one another. Sometimes, it can be done playfully and tastefully, in such a way that the friendship is not damaged. Nevertheless, we often know the difference between good-natured joking among friends and mean-spirited insults meant to provoke laughter at someone else’s expense. Most teens know this difference, too—especially if they have adults pointing out the differences between good, edifying humor and pranks and insults that only serve to embarrass, hurt, or even provoke someone. Effective comedy does not have to be at anyone’s expense.

Parents Set the Example of Good, Clean Humor

Considering both the benefits and the warnings associated with laughter and humor, parents should endeavor to set the right example. Most parents would love to see their children experience the stress-reducing benefits of laughter while avoiding ungodly humor that the Bible warns against. Parents should aim to set the right example in this. Enough fathers have tried their hand at humor that “dad jokes” have become a common expression for corny humor that makes children groan instead of laugh. Thankfully, many dad jokes are just silly and do not fall into coarse jesting.

Fathers should also be mindful of how they treat their wives. Do husbands make sure that their children know they love and respect their wives first and foremost? If a husband is not careful, the teasing and joking can come across as demeaning or disrespectful of his wife, and that is a dangerous example to set in front of their children. And this applies to wives, too, who should not model humor that is disrespectful of their husband. The display of humor between husband and wife should help children learn what joking is appropriate and what is not. Obviously, fathers and mothers should also mind their examples when they joke with their children as well, and always be kind.

Parents must also correct children whose humor crosses the line. Many may make the mistake of assuming that all laughter is good laughter, and they need instruction to know the difference. We cannot assume that our children instinctively know that difference, even if it seems obvious to us.

Finally, parents must be willing to apologize if they get it wrong. There can be times when words sound a lot funnier in our head—and a lot more insulting when we hear them out loud. There are also times when we believe everyone is laughing together, only to discover that the joke came across as an insult to someone. When that happens, we must own our mistake and apologize. This sends a strong message to our children of how to fix the situation when they make an error in judgment.

Humor can be one of the great joys that we share with family and friends. It has many benefits and frequently draws people together when we use it in a godly manner. Indeed, “a merry heart does good, like medicine” (Proverbs 17:22). But laughter is not guaranteed to always have this effect. Let’s take the challenge of instructing our children in proper humor by setting the right example and heeding the admonitions of the Scriptures.

THIS Is Why Family and Children Are so Important to God and to Society!

bduval — Wed, 16 Aug 2023 01:18:41 +0000

THIS Is Why Family and Children Are so Important to God and to Society!

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THIS Is Why Family and Children Are so Important to God and to Society!

bduval Wed, 08/16/2023 - 01:18

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Has the traditional family unit, or the concept of family in general, become obsolete? Like it or not, there is no debate that the structure of the average family is very different than 50, 25 or even 10 years ago. At what cost? At what cost to the individuals immediately affected, especially children? And at what cost to humanity as a whole as we try to retain society while removing one of its core foundations—the family? Does Family Matter?

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Wed, 06/19/2019 - 12:00

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Stuart Wachowicz

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Family

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Daughters Need Fathers

bduval — Tue, 09 Aug 2022 20:58:21 +0000

Daughters Need Fathers

bduval Tue, 08/09/2022 - 20:58

2017-08-09

Kinnear Penman

Family is important. Oftentimes people focus on the role of fathers in the lives of their sons. What benefits will an active, attentive father provide in the life of his daughter? This is not to demean the influence of mothers nor overlook the needs of sons. But consider the deep and weighty effect that fathers have on the lives of their daughters; for good or bad. Girls with attentive fathers do better academically. They are likely to achieve higher grades in school than girls with absent fathers. Active fathers encourage their daughters to stay more years in study and seek higher education achievements. A father who is present and attentive assists his daughter to have better social and communication skills. These skills are enhanced by a father who takes an interest in his daughter’s interests and encourages her to express her viewpoint. Fathers also play an important role in developing religious behavior.

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Successful Parenting: God’s Way

4uwzvo — Mon, 28 Feb 2022 21:46:17 +0000

Successful Parenting: God’s Way 4uwzvo Mon, 02/28/2022 - 21:46

Successful Parenting: God’s Way

Jeffrey Fall

Booklet Media

#Family

#Parenting

What is the real purpose of parenting? Is it merely to bring up children to become independent and competent adults, or is there something more? Read on, for the amazing answer!

CHAPTER 1 IN GOD’S IMAGE

For millennia, the cycle of human life has continued. Children are born, they grow up, and most eventually produce children of their own. One generation dies, and is replaced by the next. Yet few have understood the answer to the age-old question: “What is the purpose of this repeating cycle of life?” To those steeped in the mistaken belief system of evolution, their only conclusion is that this cycle of human life exists solely to reproduce the species. Life has no meaning, they believe; it just exists.

To those of us who have proved for ourselves the existence of the Creator God, it logically follows that our Creator made us for a purpose. The word of God very clearly reveals that amazing purpose: “Then God said, ‘Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness'” (Genesis 1:26). Human beings were created in the likeness of the God Family (Ephesians 4:14–15). If we are willing to be trained by the Family of God (God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ), and open to developing in ourselves the very character and mindset of God Himself, we can at Christ’s return literally be fully born into the Family of God, in which Jesus Christ was “the firstborn among many brethren” (Romans 8:29).

In the meantime, “as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.… The Spirit… bears witness with our spirit that we are the children of God” (Romans 8:14, 16). What an awesome privilege! If we are willing to be led and trained by our spiritual parent (God the Father) and our “elder brother” (Jesus Christ), we can eventually fulfill God’s stated purpose for us: to be fully created in His image. God’s intent is to bring up godly children, in His image, who will reign under Him as kings and priests with Jesus Christ on this earth: “And have made us kings and priests to our God; and we shall reign on the earth” (Revelation 5:10).

For Christian parents, the ultimate goal is to lay a foundation in their children’s young impressionable years, so they will always desire to fully seek God as their Father. That is the goal, though parents cannot force children to make the right decisions. Even God, our Father, does not force us to make right decisions. He will lead us and direct us, but He will not force us. The goal of godly parenting is to help our children want to walk in the footsteps of parents who are living God’s way of life, and who are walking in the footsteps of their spiritual Father. As parents, we want to develop our children’s desire to follow God, not just emphasize our desire for them to follow God.

Both my wife and I were blessed to have parents who were very consistent in parenting. Not all have been privileged to experience a pattern of consistency in parenting, but we all experience the pattern of our spiritual Father, who is totally consistent with us. We can clearly see from God’s word that the Creator of the universe operates on the “blessing for obedience and correction for disobedience” principle. If we follow this principle consistently in parenting, we lay the foundation for the future family of God.

Yes, our personal example is of the utmost importance! Children must see the real God through their parents’ eyes. Young children’s perception of God is primarily developed by their parents’ example. We cannot hope to rear godly children if we, as parents, are not genuine godly examples. If children see intolerance, hypocrisy, self-centeredness and frequent anger, they will not likely be attracted to their parents’ belief system. Instead, the authority figures in their youth will provoke a negative attitude toward God’s authority later in life.

Parents need to prove fully, in their present life experience, that God’s way of life is of very high value and works for them! If we have not clearly demonstrated to our children that God’s principles work for us, how will we ever convince them that God’s laws are worthwhile, and that the godly principles we teach are good for them?

As important as our example is, however, it is only a part of the whole. Even if every one of us could become the “perfect parent,” our perfection would not guarantee a perfect outcome. The Bible clearly speaks of Adam as “the son of God” ( Luke 3:38), yet we know that God refused to force Adam and Eve to make the right decision. God taught Adam and Eve to live His way of life, yet the perfect Parent had children who chose to reject His example and teaching. Later, God’s child (Adam) reared a son (Cain) who became a murderer.

So, do we have any hope of rearing children who will commit their lives to God? We live in a world that is under the influence of the “god of this age” (2 Corinthians 4:4), the “prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience” ( Ephesians 2:2). The entertainment media are saturated with the perverted mindset of Satan’s way of life. This world’s educational system is steeped in the satanic theory of evolution, as well as a continual erosion of any sense of morality or values.

One of the fundamental keys in parenting is that we must actively be demonstrating to our children that God’s way works for us! By the example of our own lives, we must be able to show our children that God’s principles will bring joy to their lives far beyond what Satan’s system has to offer. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” ( Galatians 5:22–23). If you ask people on the street whether they would like to have a life full of love, joy and peace, universally they will say: “Absolutely!” The problem is that the average person today does not recognize the principles of God as the cause that will bring the effect of a very stable and joyous life. This occurs primarily because the world has not been called to true Christianity; rather, it is exposed to a false “so-called” Christianity. We as parents must expose our children to the truth of the Bible; not just in the truth (doctrine) we teach, but also in the truth we live. If children experience a parent who gives unconditional love, has clear-cut rules that are consistently reinforced and genuinely displays the fruits of God’s Spirit, it will not be difficult for them to develop respect and obedience to God as they grow up.

Many people have accepted the satanic lie that God’s way of life is a “real drag.” They think God restricts us from every pleasure, resulting in a dull life of suffering and self-denial. If this is our image of God, our children will in time notice our approach—and it will become their image of God as well. If, instead, parents are truly thankful for the great God, and grasp the tremendous blessing of understanding God’s way of life (which defines what is harmful for us and what will bring an abundant life, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually), our children will internalize this instead.

A Christian’s children have a special blessing. The Apostle Paul reminded the Corinthians that a child with even one converted Christian parent is “holy” (1 Corinthians 7:14)—which means that such a child is unique in God’s sight and has been “set apart.” But will all such children of believers eagerly respond to God? Their physical parents can play a major role in making it very easy—or very difficult—for them to respond.

We need to realize that to be “called by God” simply means that one has received an invitation from God. Sometimes invitations are sent to those asked to come to a wedding. Often, the invitation is sent with an R.S.V.P., which requests your response to the invitation. If you intend to come, you must let the host know your intentions so a place will be saved for you.

Jesus Christ taught that the Kingdom of Heaven is like an invitation to a wedding: “The kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who arranged a marriage for his son, and sent out his servants to call those who were invited to the wedding; and they were not willing to come” (Matthew 22:2–3). As with any invitation, some individuals accept, and some do not even bother to respond. The English words “call” and “invite,” found in verse 3, are translated from the same Greek word. To be “called” by God and to be “invited” by God are one and the same.

This is the invitation the Apostle Peter was describing on the Day of Pentecost when he said: “For the promise is to you and to your children, and to all who are afar off, as many as the Lord our God will call” ( Acts 2:39).

Here we see that God offers His gift of the Holy Spirit not just to the “you” who heard Peter speaking on Pentecost, but also to those who are “your children”—the offspring of Christian parents—and to those who “are afar off, as many as the Lord our God will call”—those whom God will call over time.

For all of these, the promise of receiving God’s Spirit is conditional upon seeking and experiencing genuine repentance and surrender in baptism (v. 38). Clearly, though the children of converted parents have potential access to God, not all will seek Him.

Our goal as parents, then, is to do the best job we can possibly do in turning our children’s hearts to their true Father, the Supreme God. We want to mold them as best we can, while we have the opportunity in their early years to lay a foundation for their future. Not every child will choose to go God’s way fully, but our teaching and training will not be wasted! Knowledge of God’s laws, at least to the extent that they are followed, will still benefit our children in their lives. This is true even for those whose parents are not Christians. God’s laws operate on cause and effect, and to the extent that even non-Christians apply the spiritual laws of God, they will have better lives.

Those children who have been taught God’s way of life in their childhood will at least have a foundation they can turn to if and when they choose. Of course, Christian parents hope and pray that our children will turn to God now. But if they do not, we can at least know that every moment that we spend teaching them ( Deuteronomy 6:4–7), every positive example and every loving concern for our children will not be lost. They will have a positive foundation to turn to before the close of this age, even if it is at the White Throne Judgment (Revelation 20:11–12).

And for those children who “see the light” in their youth and turn fully to their God, what an amazing future they have! God offers to be their parent and their partner for life, guiding them through every decision and milestone in their life, just like a loving physical father. The result will be better marriages, stronger families, peaceful and stable minds—and birth into the very Family of God at Christ’s return. They will have the opportunity to work with Jesus Christ Himself as He establishes His Kingdom and brings peace to the earth. Cities will be rebuilt God’s way, without pollution or crime or the blight of overcrowded inner city slums. Our children can have the opportunity of being in on this worldwide transformation of this new age.

Parents who are begotten “children of God” have a responsibility to help in fulfilling Christ’s “great commission” at the end of this age. Their prayers and financial support can help the Work of God in announcing the coming Kingdom of God “in all the world as a witness” ( Matthew 24:14). We also find that before the Day of the Lord and the end of the age there will be an effort to “turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the earth with a curse” (Malachi 4:6). The ultimate Father, to whom the hearts of the children must be turned, is God the Father. As we have seen, God’s purpose on this planet is to “make man in Our image, according to Our likeness” (Genesis 1:26). God is creating future members of His Family, in the spiritual and character image of God as His literal children.

So we parents have a very high calling. Our God is training us as His children in His image! In turn, God is calling us to train and shape our children’s young impressionable minds in His image. This is a lofty goal in a dark and dangerous world. But as a loving parent, God promises that: “‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ So we may boldly say: ‘The Lord is my helper'” (Hebrews 13:5–6). The closer we move to our Father, the more we will in our own lives emulate His qualities as the perfect parent. Every last parent has made mistakes in parenting, but God knows that parents, like their children, are capable of learning and changing.

Yes, this is easier said than done, but with God’s guidance there is real hope. If we maintain the guiding principle of rearing children “in God’s image,” we will have all the resources of the Creator God to draw on.

If our ultimate goal as parents is to bring up our children “in God’s image,” it will become our guiding light and central theme for everything we do in our family. Our real desire then, becomes the creation of a culture of God within our home. One definition of culture that especially applies is “a particular stage of advancement in civilization” (Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary). In this case, as we advance, it is the “advancement in civilization” of the future Family of God.

As parents and grandparents—as for all begotten children of the great God—let us rededicate our lives to turning the hearts of the children to their spiritual Father. This is the ultimate goal and purpose of parenting: to have children “in God’s image.”

CHAPTER 2 SELF-ESTEEM OR SELF-CONTROL?

Why is parenting so difficult? One obvious answer is that there are so many variables, many of which are beyond our control. Our primary examples in parenting have been our own parents. Whatever we have experienced from our parents is the pattern that is indelibly stamped on our minds, whether good or bad. The example we have experienced with our own parents, of course, cannot be changed; the past is beyond our control. But none of us are prisoners of the past. With God’s help, we can change the present!

The society we live in also shapes and molds our children. Violence and sexual themes flood the media as never before, and peer pressure in the school system is ever present. Satan broadcasts constantly as the “prince of the power of the air” ( Ephesians 2:2), and he is ever ready and willing to influence our children.

Even the supposed “experts” on parenting have strongly disagreed among themselves. Over the last century, we have seen wild swings of the pendulum among those who claim to know the answers. Society has debated as to what is most important in parenting: developing self-esteem or self-control? Those who believe self-control is the primary value subscribe to what can be called the authoritarian method of parenting, where: “The parent’s word is law, not to be questioned, and misconduct brings strict punishment. Authoritarian parents seem aloof from their children, showing little affection or nurturance. Maturity demands are high, and parent-child communication is rather low” ( The Developing Person Through the Life Span, Kathleen Berger, p. 287).

Of course, these traits are a mixture of good and bad. When misconduct brings consistent punishment, the demand for maturity is high. However, studies show: “Children whose parents are authoritarian are likely to be obedient but not happy” (ibid., p. 288).

In the early years of our family (which included two girls and two boys, seven years apart), I leaned too much to the authoritarian model, though I have since changed significantly. Fortunately for our children, my wife was more balanced from the beginning, and added a nurturing dimension.

In contrast to those who most value self-control, parents who consider self-esteem the primary goal of parenting tend to subscribe to the permissive method, in which: “The parents make few demands on their children, hiding any impatience they feel. Discipline is lax. Parents are nurturant, accepting and communicating well with offspring. They make few maturity demands because they view themselves as available to help their children but not as responsible for shaping how their offspring turn out” (ibid., p. 287).

Here, again, these traits are a mixture of both good and bad. The positive aspects are that parents are nurturant and accepting, communicate well with their children, and view themselves as available to them. The negative aspects are that these parents make few demands on their children, hiding any impatience they feel, and making few demands of maturity. Such parents do not view themselves as responsible for shaping how their offspring turn out. Amazingly, studies show that: “those whose parents are permissive are likely to be even less happy and… lack self-control” (ibid., p. 288).

So which is the most important goal in parenting: developing self-esteem or self-control? Is the authoritarian or the permissive model the best method of parenting? Parents’ answer to this question tends to determine their style of parenting, and the end of the pendulum to which they swing. Those who consider self-esteem the crucial factor in human development tend to be more permissive in parenting, while those who are convinced that self-control is the crucial factor in life tend to be much more authoritarian.

A similar question might be phrased: When pouring a concrete foundation, which is more important, the cement powder composed of minerals, sand and rock, or the water that mixes into the powder?

In fact, both are needed to make a strong lasting foundation. The proportions of water and powder must be properly balanced to have any lasting strength. Too much water and not enough cement will make a very weak foundation. Too much cement and too little water will produce a weak and crumbly foundation. Both are crucial for lasting strength.

As you may well suspect, both self-esteem and self-control are equally essential for a child’s lifelong well-being. Either end of the pendulum of permissiveness and authoritarianism will bring severe deficiencies in parenting.

Children reared by authoritarian parents—who experience strong self-control and discipline without an equal emphasis on self-esteem nurtured with unconditional love—grow up with a sense of never measuring up. They tend not to venture out of their limited comfort zone. Socially they are self-conscious, and they feel insecure and anxious. They grow into teens and adults who are always trying to prove themselves.

Children reared by more permissive parents tend to have more self-esteem, but lack self-control. For the rest of their lives, they become slaves to their immediate impulses. They cannot sit still long enough to pay attention in the classroom. Succeeding in college is difficult, and holding down a job for any length of time may be equally difficult. Having never developed the valuable trait of self-control, they have difficulty tolerating situations that are not immediately pleasant.

Clearly, an imbalance in either self-esteem or self-control is a serious handicap for the rest of a child’s life.

What every child needs is a balance of the two, which we could call loving authority. This would consist of equal parts of self-esteem (developed through unconditional love) and self-control (fostered by authoritative discipline and training). Together, these will build a stronger foundation for a child, just as the right balance of powder and water bond together into the most stable concrete.

In this style of parenting, “parents set limits and enforce rules, but they are also willing to listen respectfully to the child’s requests and questions. Parents make high maturity demands on offspring, communicate well with them and are [nurturing]” (ibid., p. 287).

When you think about it, isn’t this exactly the style of parenting that we find in the Bible? God sets limits for us, but He is ever willing to listen to us as we come to Him in prayer. He makes high maturity demands for our spiritual growth, but continually communicates with us through His written word, giving us equal amounts of encouragement and forgiveness.

THE IMPORTANCE OF TEACHING SELF-CONTROL

When children are reared in a permissive environment, without real control and guidelines, the price is always high. Jacob Aranza, author of Lord, Why Is My Child a Rebel?, had this to say: “Do you want to know the most bitter, resentful children I’ve ever met? The kids whose mothers and fathers failed to provide guidelines and discipline. Children who live in permissive homes have trouble believing their parents really care about them” (p. 45).

Some doubt that children really want guidelines. But, in fact, firm guidelines and restrictions provide a measure of safety and security.

Whenever I drive across my favorite bridge, the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, I have no trouble driving in the lane closest to the edge. Although the bridge is more than 265 feet above the water, I gain a sense of safety and security from the guard rail at the edge of the bridge. I have never even come close to hitting the guard rail, but if it were someday removed and you asked me to drive across the bridge in the same right lane, I know I would refuse. More than 265 feet above the water, my sense of safety and security would be totally gone.

The same principle applies to parenting. Take away the guard rail, and the safe and secure limits are gone; a sense of insecurity and a fear of the unknown are always present. An extreme example would be of a child who has become lost in a crowd, and has absolute total freedom. A child’s fear of danger when facing the unknown can be overwhelming.

When children are given solid guidelines over which they cannot cross (like the Golden Gate Bridge rail), those guidelines become internal restraints that we call “self-control.” In children, self-control becomes the restraint (or “guard rail”) exercised upon impulses, emotions, fears and desires. When children cross over the guard rail and receive discipline, they learn that their actions have consequences. Well-disciplined children are a delight to their parents, because they are not constantly trying to cross over the guard rail.

God made this abundantly clear when He inspired the instruction to parents: “Correct your son, and he will give you rest; yes, he will give delight to your soul” (Proverbs 29:17).

Have you ever seen a child who was totally out of control, running and screaming and getting into everything imaginable while the mother was shopping? Any parent who ever experiences this becomes totally “stressed out.”

Years ago, my wife would take our four children grocery shopping. The youngest rode in the cart, and the older ones walked along holding onto the side of the cart. Our children were normal rambunctious children, but they came to know that the grocery cart was like the guard rail of the Golden Gate Bridge. Cross that rail, and there were serious consequences.

Well-disciplined children, who are gradually taught self-control from the earliest age, have a foundation laid for a much more successful life. A five-year-old with self-control can sit quietly in class or in church without talking, and can learn much more quickly. The same child as a high school student can sit through classes that are difficult or uninteresting, and “stick it out.” Their prospects for college are that much greater.

When self-disciplined teenagers reach adulthood, they become much more valuable and successful employees. They tend to be on time to work. They handle difficult assignments with far less complaining, and they do not get caught up in office squabbles with people who may rub them the wrong way. In short, they are more successful in their jobs, they keep their jobs longer—and when it is layoff time, they tend to be the last to lose their jobs, not the first to be fired.

Self-control, taught at an early age through firm guidelines that cannot be violated, results in children and adults who have more control over their emotions and irrational behavior. If parents allow children to express rebellion at the earliest age, they lay the foundation for lifelong temper tantrums.

When my wife and I lived in San Francisco while I was attending dental school, we learned of a tragic example of the consequences of lack of self-control. One day, the traffic was particularly heavy across the Oakland Bay Bridge. A hurried driver cut in front of another motorist, who in turn passed him and purposely hit the brakes immediately in front of the first driver. They jockeyed back and forth for position until one finally pulled out a gun, pulled up alongside the other driver, and shot him dead on the spot.

This was an example of a temper tantrum on wheels, which we call “road rage.” It resulted in gunfire, murder and many years in prison. The seeds for such a lack of self-control invariably start in childhood.

God’s word teaches us to chasten our children “while there is hope” ( Proverbs 19:18). In other words, do it in the early years. If you wait until a child is in grade school to begin teaching him the lessons of self-control, it is almost too late for his maximum success in life. It is never too late to try, but any success will be diminished.

Self-control learned in early childhood is also a crucial ingredient in any future marriage relationship. The self-controlled adult is less likely to have an adult temper tantrum and lash out in uncontrollable anger. It is much better to be corrected as a young child for emotional tirades and outbursts, than to face loss of job, marriage failure or even prison time after a loss of control as an adult.

BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM

As we have seen, self-control is only half of what is needed to rear a well-adjusted child and adult. The second vital ingredient in loving authority is the self-esteem that is generated with unconditional love. Real love is unconditional. The Apostle Paul was inspired to write: “Love suffers long and is kind… bears all things.… Love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:4, 7–8).

“Unconditional love means loving a teenager [or a child of any age], no matter what. No matter what the teenager looks like. No matter what his assets, liabilities and handicaps are. No matter how he acts” (How to Really Love Your Teenager, Ross Campbell, M.D., p. 25).

Of course, parents do not always love a child’s behavior, but we do love the child no matter what. God loves us, even though we make our share of mistakes. Christ loved us and died for us, even while we were going the wrong way. “God demonstrates His own love towards us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).

If we make the huge mistake of only loving our children when they please us, we will rear children who never feel that they “measure up.” All children make mistakes, and when love is dependent on being “mistake-free,” they will forever feel like incompetent failures. In the same way, if God only loved us when we were praying, fasting, studying the Bible or serving someone else, we would be unloved most of the time.

Similarly, as adults, if our spouse only loves us when we are doing something pleasing, such as bringing a gift, cooking a nice meal or giving a back rub, we will feel unloved more often than not, and our relationship will suffer. Love must be unconditional!

Scripture instructs us: “Fathers, do not provoke your children [to anger], lest they be discouraged” ( Colossians 3:21). Children need to feel loved, and not just feel corrected. If our only communication with our children is correction, it will not take long for them to become discouraged and feel like an “inadequate unloved failure”—a consequence of the authoritarian style of parenting.

Many of us parents really do love our children, but have not adequately communicated this to them. Children care more about how we act toward them, than about what we say or what we feel inside. So how can we show love to them in ways that they can readily understand and appreciate?

One vital tool is eye contact. Looking a child in the eyes in a loving manner says, loud and clear: “I value you; you are important to me.” Have you ever felt really close to anyone who would not maintain eye contact with you? Of course not! An inability to maintain eye contact comes across as aloofness and lack of caring. For children’s emotional well-being, they need eye contact from their parents. Children seem to look deeply into others’ eyes, seeing their degree of sincerity and genuineness.

Physical contact is another vital tool needed for showing love to children. Notice how Jesus Christ Himself interacted with young children: “Then they brought little children to Him, that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked those who brought them. But when Jesus saw it, He was greatly displeased and said to them, ‘Let the little children come to Me…’ And He took them up in His arms, laid His hands on them, and blessed them” (Mark 10:13–14, 16).

Almost everyone knows that babies need physical contact to develop properly. But as children enter the teen years, physical contact tends to decrease more and more. Eventually, physical contact in many families occurs only when it is deemed absolutely necessary. At any age, a hand on the shoulder, a pat on the back and an occasional hug are always possible. Appropriate physical contact is a life-long value between parents and children. While children may not appreciate public demonstrations of affection, sincere expressions of approval and encouragement that begin in the early years will still be appreciated in the teenage years.

Undivided attention is also vital. Undivided “focused attention means giving your teenager [or child of any age] full, undivided attention in such a way that he feels truly loved, that he knows he is so valuable in his own right that he warrants your watchfulness, appreciation, and uncompromising regard” (Campbell, p. 31).

So, back to the question: Which is more important in parenting: self-esteem or self-control? Both are absolutely vital! A child who feels unloved will not prosper, and a child who is never taught self-control will be severely limited in life: in school, in college, on the job, in marriage—and, spiritually, with God.

Children who receive unconditional love, and are taught obedience through loving authority, have the greatest likelihood of success in life. Authority without unconditional love invariably brings anger and rebellion. When the proper balance is applied, God’s summary of obedience and self-discipline can be realized: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.… And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training [nurture] and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:1, 4).

CHAPTER 3 CONSISTENCY: THE PATH TO SECURITY

Our spiritual Father is totally consistent in how He deals with us, His children. His guidelines are always valid, and His word is totally trustworthy. He does not violate His own spiritual law; His attitude is not: “Do what I say, not what I do.”

God tells us: “For I am the Lord, I do not change” (Malachi 3:6). This means that God is consistent in His laws, His spiritual principles and His way of life. What if our God were inconsistent?

We often see the fruit of inconsistency in the daily lives of those around us. Years ago, my wife and I watched one such glaring example at the supermarket. A mother with several children was doing her shopping, and her children were wild. They were running up and down the aisles and pulling things off the shelves. Every so often, the mother would yell out in extreme frustration: “Get over here or I am going to spank you!” They would calm down for a moment or two, and they would take off again. After a few minutes, the mother would yell out: “Do you want me to whip you?”

This yelling, screaming, inconsistent mother made her life miserable! Her children always knew that if they slowed down for a few moments, their mother’s wild and irresponsible threats would subside, and they could soon go back to what they were doing.

Unlike this harried mother, Jesus Christ and God the Father are totally consistent, for our benefit. They want what is best for us, and they will not confuse us with inconsistency.

The dictionary defines “consistency” as: “constant, steady, regular, persistent, unchanging, undeviating, unified” ( Webster’s Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary). That describes the type of parent that anyone would want, especially when accompanied by a healthy dose of unconditional love and appropriate forgiveness. This is fertile ground for a child’s healthy growth, along with having a sense of being valued and the security of firm guidelines that will not change.

Even rebellious teens will tell you that they need consistent parents. Consistency is the bedrock of confidence! It is something that children can count on. Children with consistent parents may not always like every parental guideline, but at least their world is stable and not constantly changing. They know what to expect.

Consistency in discipline and parental example is crucial! People most often think of discipline as “punishment,” but punishment is only one aspect of discipline. Discipline is “training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental or moral character” (ibid.).

Christ’s early followers who were being trained in the Way of life were called “disciples.” The word “disciple” is derived from the word “discipline.” Christ taught the disciples; He encouraged them, and sometimes corrected them. His goal was to train disciples who could live and teach the Christian discipline (the Way of life).

Parents train, or discipline, their children with encouragement, praise and rewards, and also with correction and penalties. This is the same principle that God uses with us. He promises us blessings for obedience ( Deuteronomy 28:1–14) and correction and penalties (curses) for disobedience (Deuteronomy 28:15–46).

Regrettably, many parents have tried to rework the Creator’s parenting (child training) principles into whatever seems best to them. Unwittingly, they may be acting as though they know more about parenting than God Himself does.

In previous decades, many parents relied primarily on restrictive authority and on punishments for disobedience. Little encouragement or unconditional love was given, and parents with this approach became unloving authoritarians. In recent years, the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction, with parents offering ample praise and encouragement, but little or no correction or discipline for disobedience. Permissiveness is the ditch in which children never learn or gain self-control.

So being consistently authoritarian is not the answer! Being consistently permissive is not the answer! True consistency requires the balance that we find in God’s word—which includes real blessings for obedience, and penalties for disobedience.

Consistent penalties for disobedience teach children a lesson that will benefit them for their entire lives—the lesson of “cause and effect.” This is how the world operates. If you jump out your second-story bedroom window, gravity will always work, and you will pay a price for your mistake. Drive your car too fast around a curve, on a rainy night, and there will be a price to pay. Break the laws of the land, and there is a price to pay. Transgress God’s spiritual laws, and there is always a price to pay. Children need to live in a family environment where they know that if they violate the parents’ rules or standards of behavior, there is always a price to pay.

Parents who do not teach their children “cause and effect” do their children a serious disservice. How can a child learn cause and effect if he never experiences the effect of his behavior? How can a toddler learn cause and effect if, when he is told to “come here,” he can ignore his father without any follow-up discipline? How can a young child learn cause and effect if he throws an angry tantrum in his mother’s face and she simply shrugs her shoulders in exasperation? How can a teenager learn cause and effect if he receives a ticket for reckless driving and his parents pay the fine?

Consistency with a toddler, with rules and guidelines and punishment for disobedience, leads to consistency as a teen, which leads to consistency as an adult, which can lead to consistency as a future son of God. The process of learning cause and effect—with consistent blessings for obedience and correction for disobedience—is the foundation for future character formation and for a successful life. Parents can either assist God with this process, or can make the eventual conversion process more difficult for their children.

“Because the sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil” ( Ecclesiastes 8:11). The pattern that is set in childhood generally carries on throughout life. A parent who does not consistently discipline quickly for disobedience does not establish the “cause and effect” principle in a child’s early years. The resulting child, teen and adult sees rules and guidelines (whether in the home or in the school system or on the job) as restrictions that only occasionally bring negative consequences.

Many parents never experienced consistent discipline from their own parents, but we all have experienced the pattern of our spiritual Father, who is totally consistent in dealing with us. We can see from Scripture that God gives blessings for obedience, and corrects us when we disobey. Applying this principle in our parenting makes life much happier. Once a child receives understandable guidelines, any infraction results in discipline. The reality of cause and effect sets the pattern for life. Some “do-gooders” may not believe in any corporal punishment whatsoever, thinking that they have children’s well-being at heart, but they fail to understand human nature and what is truly best for children: unconditional love and learned obedience with applied correction.

God’s word tells us: “Now no chastening [discipline] seems joyful for the present, but grievous.… afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:11, KJV). How peaceful it is when children have been taught obedience right from the start. Even young children can be a real joy to a family when they are taught the habit of obedience.

When a child is old enough to be taught to “come” when called, for example, there are never any exceptions to obedience. I have seen some parents actually count: “1, 2, 3” and when the child does not come, the parent may finally walk over to him and pull him by the hand. This becomes an early lesson to the child on how he can control his parents.

Another popular threat is: “I’m telling you for the last time.” Even this threat may become: “This is your last… last chance.” I saw one amazing example of this with a young father and his little son: the “three ‘no’ rule”—meaning that the father’s first two “no’s” were ignorable; only the third was supposed to count. Yet even after “‘no’ number three,” there was never any follow-up discipline; the father would simply walk over, grab his son, and take him away from whatever he was not supposed to be doing.

Many parents tell their children, over and over again, to “do something” or to “stop doing something.” Finally, they explode in anger when they cannot tolerate their children’s disobedience any longer. This teaches a child that “cause and effect” only applies when parents become exasperated, and that the “trick” for a child is to learn to read the signs of when parents are coming close to their limit.

Parents make it so much easier on themselves when they teach their children that “no” means “no” and “yes” means “yes.” Life is much more difficult for parents who allow whining and pleading to occur. “But Mom… why can’t I? Pleeeeeease, I really want to!” When parents give in to such pleas, they teach their children an important lesson: if they whine and plead long enough, the parent will eventually give in, and they will get what they want.

Every parent who has disciplined a child has likely found at times that the child was crying not from sorrow or repentance, but from obvious anger. Anger is like a “muscle”—the more it is exercised, the more it will develop. If a child’s anger is not addressed, the necessary lesson will not be learned—and nothing will be gained but a hardening of the child’s attitude. In this circumstance, it becomes necessary to remind the child why he was disciplined in the first place, and then explain that he will also be disciplined for his attitude of anger. In most cases, the child’s attitude will change quickly, and his cry will turn more to a repentant spirit than to rebellion or anger.

For most young children, there are other appropriate forms of punishment besides spanking. Of course, “the punishment should always fit the offense.” In our household, we would occasionally have our children stand in a corner for minor offenses. This seemed to be effective, since they really disliked the boredom of standing facing the corner of the room without being allowed to look around.

Once, one of our sons ran outside, slamming the door behind, rattling the windows with the force of the slamming door. My wife had previously pointed out why slamming the door was not acceptable in our home, so he knew better but had simply “forgotten.” When children are quickly disciplined in spite of the excuse “but I forgot,” it is amazing how quickly their memory is sharpened. In this particular situation, my wife simply had our son open and close the door quietly 25 times. It really seemed to drive home the point, and his memory was no longer an issue.

One form of punishment that we found to be ineffective was sending a child to his room. Most children today have plenty to do in their rooms, and this “punishment” simply allows them extra time to be angry and to sulk. In most cases, loving discipline can be carried out quickly, and the parent can then comfort the child, reminding him of how much he is loved. It is also helpful to remind the child occasionally that God holds the parents responsible for how they train their children.

As children are taught the principle of cause and effect: “blessing for obedience and punishment for disobedience”, it is important that we not forget the “blessing for obedience” side of the equation. Verbal approval for a job well done, including a greater level of eye contact and a smile, can accomplish a great deal. Children, like adults, appreciate being appreciated. We need to follow the example of our spiritual Father who absolutely promises to reward those who seek Him. “For he who comes to God must believe that He is [exists] and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him” (Hebrews 11:6). God’s promise of reward for obedience can be a strong motivator.

Years ago, when two or three of our children were still pre-school age and could not yet read, my wife made a chart for all four of our children. She used pictures to remind them of their daily and weekly chores, rewarding them with a certain amount of money for each completed job. There was a drawing of a made-up bed to remind them of that daily chore. There was a picture of a toothbrush, of a dog with its bowl, of a pair of pajamas hanging on a hook, and of children sitting at the table (with smiles on their faces) with a clock nearby to remind them to be on time at the breakfast table. At the end of the month, the rewards were added up and money was given to the children. It was theirs to save or spend, after their tithe to God was set aside.

Occasionally you hear of people who believe children should never be paid for doing chores. They think it will ruin their character to be paid for their work. Yes, it is true that children should not be paid for routine obedience, such as coming when called or playing nicely with their brothers and sisters. But teaching children the value of the work ethic with rewards is certainly a right principle. Giving children an allowance without expecting anything in return is the wrong principle. Even God promises to reward us for our efforts: “For the Son of Man will come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and then He will reward each according to his works.” ( Matthew 16:27) Are we wiser at parenting than God the Father Himself?

The sooner we ingrain in our young children the overall principle of consistent blessing for obedience and correction for disobedience, the more obedient a child becomes—and the more peaceful a household becomes. Consistency is a tremendous key!

We must remember that children, since they have human nature, are attracted to disobedience like a magnet—and disobedience must be dealt with consistently. On the other hand, obedience and doing what is right must be taught. Proper parenting is a huge dose of child training . Proverbs 22:6 instructs us to “train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Every rule or guideline should be logical and explainable. “Just because I said so” does not inspire the right motivation for long-term obedience. Instead of just telling a toddler “don’t run into the street,” you can add: “I don’t want you to be hit by a car and injured or killed.”

“Don’t jump on the couch,” could be explained, “it will ruin the couch” or “you could fall off and injure yourself” or “it is distracting adults who are trying to have a conversation.” Then, after the explanation, every infraction must be followed by further loving discipline.

The foundational purpose of any discipline must be the child’s well-being! The underlying reason for discipline should never be anger or a desire to “get even.” Most parents have probably, at some time, lashed out in anger when frustrated or exasperated. This is something that we must all work to overcome. Remember God’s instruction: “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). Children must learn and know that we discipline them because we love them. We really do want what is best for them, and we want them to grow up to be happy and successful adults as well as fulfilled members of the Family of God.

How crucial it is that we begin to teach our children today, no matter what their age, the vital lesson of “cause and effect”—blessing for obedience and correction for disobedience. This is the foundation for their eventual eternal life. My wife has a “theme scripture” for parenting; she may have “worn it out” on our children, but I am extremely thankful for it: “I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live” ( Deuteronomy 30:19). This is God’s principle of parenting for us as future sons of God. It should also be our principle of parenting, with our own children, for their life-long happiness.

CHAPTER 4 PASSING THE BATON

All Christian parents want their children to grow up to really love God and His way of life. We know the tremendous benefits that God’s law will bring to our children, both now and in the future—a stable and fulfilling life now, and eventual eternal life in God’s family at Jesus Christ’s return. All parents want this for their children, but they may wonder: how can parents succeed in “passing the baton” and in teaching their children to want this for themselves?

Christian parents have a very high and a very challenging “dual calling.” Our Heavenly Father is training parents (who are His children) in His image. In turn, Christians’ primary duty as parents is to train and shape their children’s hearts and minds in God’s image.

Passing the baton to the next generation, however, remains a very difficult task in Satan’s world. The pervasive influence of mankind’s perverse society, supported by Satan’s broadcasting as “the prince of the power of the air” ( Ephesians 2:2), provides a very formidable foe in our attempt to mold our children’s hearts and minds in God’s image!

Scripture shows us that even the best possible parent will not automatically achieve a perfect outcome. Adam was truly a “son of God” ( Luke 3:38), yet God did not force even Adam and Eve to make the right decisions! God taught Adam and Eve His way of life, yet the perfect Parent allowed his children to accept or reject His example and teaching.

The same applies to human parents. Parents cannot force their children to seek God as their Father. But parents can certainly help lay the foundation for their children to have a better life now, and eventually to surrender to the true God. We know from Scripture that God will open the minds of all human beings, either in this lifetime or in a future resurrection, and that most whose minds are opened will choose to receive the tremendous blessings and benefits of obeying the true God.

How, then, can parents begin to transfer to their children the desire to seek God fully? Every salesman knows that to sell his product, he must first create a desire. Parents must somehow help their children desire God’s way of life. Children must be brought to understand that God’s way of life will benefit them—that it brings very real blessings and rewards for them personally. People are always motivated by what they want—not by what they should want.

The world tries to convince children of a huge satanic lie—that God’s way of life is a terrible sacrifice, and a “real drag.” When children understand that God’s way of life brings blessings and benefits—for themselves, and for their loved ones—they will begin to see through the world’s Satanic propaganda, and will grow in their desire to live God’s way.

God motivates parents in a similar way. He provides the sure knowledge of tremendous benefit for those who choose to follow Him. Scripture explains that “he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him” (Hebrews 11:6). One who does not believe that there is substantial reward—benefit—in seeking God will never be motivated to follow Him. This applies to parents, and it certainly applies to children.

From Genesis to Revelation, the Bible is full of the knowledge of blessings for obedience. “And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, because you obey the voice of the Lord your God” ( Deuteronomy 28:2). Every day, the benefits of God’s way can fill our lives: “Blessed be the Lord, Who daily loads us with benefits” ( Psalm 68:19).

Ultimately, parents have just two ways to convince children that God’s way of life will benefit them greatly: teaching diligently, and demonstrating by positive example. Neither teaching nor example alone will accomplish the task, without the other. Some parents have been outstanding examples, but have not taken the time to teach godly principles on their children’s level, using vivid examples that children can grasp and clearly understand. As a result, their children may love and respect their parents, but be unable to understand or apply God’s principles in their own lives. By contrast, other parents have diligently taught their children God’s principles, but have been poor examples of the principles they taught. Their children will often rebel against the hypocrisy they perceive in their parents, and will turn against religion—and even against authority in general. The “do as I say, not as I do” approach rarely convinces anyone.

Notice God’s instruction to parents: “Therefore you shall lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall teach them to your children…” ( Deuteronomy 11:18–19). The principles of God are to become bound up in our mind (what we think) and in our hand (what we do as an example)—and we must teach them effectively to our children.

EFFECTIVE TEACHING

Children must recognize, by their parents’ instruction and example, that God’s way of life is loaded with blessings and benefits for them personally. Long before it is asked, parents must help their children answer the question: “Why should I follow God? What’s in it for me?” Unless parents can answer this question with honesty and sincerity, they will never reach their children effectively. King David understood this question perfectly, and said: “Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits” ( Psalm 103:2).

Of course, parents do not want to create self-centered children who think only of their own benefits. The idea is to help children understand that all of God’s laws are for their own good. As children grow, they can then understand, by extension, that God’s laws are good for their family and friends—and indeed that every human being will benefit from God’s laws and His way of life.

Scripture makes it clear that children can be taught God’s way of life most effectively in the home, informally and constantly: “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up” (Deuteronomy 6:6–7).

Parents should constantly point out to their children the benefits of God’s way of life—sitting on the couch watching television, driving down the street, reading the paper and at every opportunity when God’s way of life can be contrasted with the suffering that this world’s lifestyle brings. There is no shortage of examples in this sick world; the question is: will parents put in the effort? Granted, it takes considerable time and a consistent focus on this meaningful goal, but it has huge payoffs. Relying on church services, by themselves, will not accomplish the task. Parents must reinforce lessons learned in church, wherever possible, with both a mother’s nurturing love and gentle teaching, and a father’s consistent guidance and support.

Parents will find it helpful to frame God’s laws in terms of “cause and effect.” Children can easily grasp the “cause and effect” concept when discussing physical laws, such as gravity. If they jump out of a tall tree, gravity will yank them to the ground, resulting in a broken leg or a very painful sprain. The effect (the painful injury) was caused by violating the law of gravity (jumping out of the tree). God’s spiritual laws operate the same way. If we violate God’s laws, we automatically injure ourselves (or others) in some way. If we obey God’s laws, there is an automatic benefit or blessing.

My wife consistently emphasized the choices in our children’s lives by maintaining clear rules of the household. When our children disobeyed those rules, we could remind them that they chose to disobey, so they had chosen to receive some form of punishment. This applied in the physical realm as well as the spiritual, as when my wife reminded our children to be very careful with knives, using them only when we gave permission. Our young sons tended to be intrigued with knives’ shiny sharp blades, and sometimes attempted to cut into something on their own. When they did, they usually ended up with cuts on their hands. After one such mishap, I overheard one of our children telling my wife what his brother had done, saying: “Mommy, he wasn’t supposed to do it, and he punished himself!” At least the concept was making sense!

Helping children understand the causes and effects of all of God’s laws is crucial to helping them really want the benefit of God’s way, instead of the harm they will do to themselves when they disobey God’s laws. Notice God’s instruction to us: “I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing [benefits] and cursing [penalties]; therefore choose [God’s way of] life, that both you and your descendants may live; that you may love the Lord your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days” (Deuteronomy 30:19–20).

Every family sets rules for its children. Most parents would never allow their children to run into the street after a bouncing ball; the chance of being hit by a passing car is too great. Clearly, this rule is for a child’s benefit and is easy to explain. In the same way, parents can explain to their children that God also has certain Family rules—His laws—that are for our protection. Even by appealing only to a child’s self-interest, parents can explain that God’s law against stealing, for example, will protect them from possible jail time—or even from being shot at by the one from whom they are stealing!

Parents’ goal in parenting is to explain, in language that their children can understand, how all of God’s principles are for their own good—and in fact that they are the “blueprint of human happiness.” Teaching God’s principles on the basis of obedience—”just because God said so”—is a start, but a child’s motivation and understanding must go far deeper. The more that parents can frame God’s laws by the concept of cause and effect—benefits for obedience and penalties for disobedience—the more likely that children will internalize them. After all, people do not want to harm themselves. We all want the benefit of a good life, full of happiness and joy instead of misery and emptiness. Even “godly” parenting is ultimately deficient if it does not help children understand and truly grasp how God’s way of life brings them very real benefits.

When children reach their teenage years, parents have the same goal—teaching the benefits of God’s way—but must help their children understand more complex reasoning than in their earlier years. While this takes significant parental energy, it is well worth the effort. Many teenage boys can readily understand that physically assaulting a woman is wrong, but how would you explain to your teenage son that lusting after near-naked images of women is also wrong—that it will harm him and that, conversely, avoiding such lust will greatly benefit him? How could you convince a teenager who does not really grasp Jesus’ instruction: “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28)? How would you combat a teenager’s assertion: “What’s the difference? Who is it going to harm? After all, I am not married, and I am only looking.”

Teenagers need to be taught that years of lusting will result in great harm to one’s future marriage and happiness! Those who have become deeply involved in “visual immorality” (magazines, movies, internet, “adult entertainment clubs,” etc.) literally experience a chemical response in the brain that mimics the chemical response generated by real live human contact! The brain can store images of airbrushed or surgically enhanced bodies that one has seen, and then compare a future mate to those false ideals. So we see that consistent lust, inflamed by visual immorality, will reduce appreciation for one’s own mate, and will diminish the potential for happiness in marriage. The old adage, “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence,” becomes especially true when one lives in a fantasy world of visual immorality. Children need to be taught that God’s law regarding sexuality is a blessing that will enhance their lives, and marriages, in the years ahead of them.

FAMILY TESTIMONIES

Family testimonies, or family stories of God’s dramatic interventions, healings and other blessings, can help children appreciate the reality of God, and of His loving nature as a living and vital Lord who is personally interested in our lives. Our family tells and re-tells many such stories of how we have experienced, through dramatic healings and protections from accidents, many wonderful examples of God’s love, power, mercy and concern for us. We have never claimed to deserve God’s intervention, but those interventions have been a frequent reminder to our children of just how loving and merciful our God truly is.

For example, years ago, on one cold and rainy day in the Arkansas Ozarks, we were driving to church. All of a sudden, our car’s windshield wipers quit clearing the windshield. We quickly realized that we were being hit by freezing rain. My wife immediately suggested: “We all need to pray that God will protect us.” She and our four children closed their eyes and prayed silently for God’s protection; I tried as best I could to pray silently while driving. About five miles further along, on the shady north side of the mountain, we suddenly hit “black ice” and began to slide down the road sideways—out of control! Just then, another car coming the opposite way also hit the ice and lost control. We were hurtling toward each other at about 40 miles per hour—a combined speed of about 80 miles per hour if we were to hit each other! It was a sure collision. The thought flashed through my mind: “This is it!” Just at the last possible moment, we felt a tremendous unseen force push us sideways off the road. We came to a soft landing in the mud, hitting nothing. Ten feet further on the left was a large cement culvert, and to the right of the road was a 40-foot embankment leading down to a river. Our hearts were pounding as we realized we were unhurt. We sat there, stunned, extremely thankful for God’s intervention.

Over the years, my wife and I have talked with our children about many such dramatic interventions—including many healings. These stories have become our personal family “testimonies” of God’s intervention—stories that have reinforced our appreciation of the love, the reality and the power of our God. All parents should regularly share personal testimonies from their own lives, to help bind their children to the real God.

Parents have an obligation before God to do the best they can to train and shape their children’s minds in His image. Parents must consistently use every godly tool that is available, knowing that their children will be affected not only by teaching but by personal family stories of God’s love and mercy. As children see the example of their parents’ lives, they can see for themselves that God’s way of life will also benefit them tremendously, and that His laws are for their own good.

CHAPTER 5 THE LEGACY OF EXAMPLE

As parents anticipate the birth of a child, rarely do they fully recognize that their own living example will be the most profound influence on the child’s future moral character and spiritual development.

Parents’ personal example is crucial if children are to see God’s way of life as a way of blessings and benefits. Parental example is a form of teaching, in which the lessons are taught by actions, rather than words. There is an old saying: “Your actions speak so loud, I can’t hear what you are saying.” Children often forget verbal teaching far more quickly than they can forget the vivid example they see daily of their parents’ actions and attitudes. Parental examples and attitudes are deeply implanted into a child’s subconscious mind, and are later reflected in their children’s behavior.

Certainly parents should make it their agenda to teach their children verbally all the principles of God. But if parents’ actions do not match their words, the teaching will most certainly be invalidated. As children grow up, they become very gifted at comparing what they hear being taught with what they see in the living example. We must never forget that Jesus Christ taught a way of life, rather than an “ivory tower” philosophy. The moral values that parents exhibit through actions and attitudes in daily life will be the foundation of their children’s attitudes, values and behavior.

Even if parents could be perfect in their teaching and example, there is no guarantee that their children will ultimately follow their parents’ choice to obey God. However, it can almost be guaranteed that children who experience parental hypocrisy will reject their parents’ value system. The importance of parental example cannot be emphasized enough.

Child development experts recognize that small children look to their parents—who have from infancy been their providers, nurturers and teachers—almost as gods. Young children believe anything their parents tell them, and expect that parents can fix anything—from an injury to a toy to an injustice from a friend. God designed this early dependency and trust so that parents can guide and train the young receptive mind in a wholesome and godly way. Young children form their perception of God primarily through their parents’ example. Parents have little hope of rearing godly children if they are not genuinely godly examples themselves! If children see intolerance, self-centeredness, lying, greed, unfriendliness and frequent anger, they are unlikely to be attracted to their parents’ belief system regardless of any long-winded lectures a parent may give.

Parents must have fully proven—and must be demonstrating in their present life experience—that God’s way of life is of great value, and works for them. Children who do not see that God’s way of life works for their parents are not likely to believe that God’s way of life will work for them.

REFLECTING GOD’S NATURE

It is vital that, in their dealings with their children, parents radiate God’s nature. Children need to see in their parents’ routine example a genuine love for God, His Church and His way of life. Children who see hypocrisy will eventually reject parental training. Children who see genuineness and sincerity, however, will much more readily accept the godly principles taught by their parents and the Church.

Parents have a great responsibility to stand in as ambassadors for God and Jesus Christ in their children’s lives, by setting the right example so their children will eventually transfer to God Himself the respect and trust they have first developed for their parents. As children mature, they will subconsciously transfer to God the experience they have had with their parents. If parents have been critical and unforgiving, children will tend to see God that way. If parents have been suspicious and judgmental, children will have difficulty accepting Christ’s mercy and forgiveness. If parents have been inconsistent in teaching obedience to rules and respect for authority figures, children will not respect God, nor will they be concerned about breaking His rules.

In short, children must see some of God’s very nature in their parents’ lives. The Bible calls this the “fruit of God’s Spirit.” This “fruit” or “evidence” of God’s Spirit is simply the way God thinks and acts, and is the key to a tremendous life for parents and children alike. As Paul wrote: “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” ( Galatians 5:22–23). The more parents’ thoughts, words and actions display these fruits of the Spirit, the more their children will be attracted to their parents’ way of life. Obviously, no parent is a perfect example. But parents who really want their children to desire God’s way of life will themselves seek God wholeheartedly.

RESPECT FOR GOD

Parents often shape dramatically their children’s respect for God’s Church, and for the principles it teaches. If parents continually complain that it is difficult to live God’s way of life, is it any wonder when their children grow up to reject “this difficult way of life”? Over the years, I have sometimes heard parents say: “It is so difficult for our teens not to be able to attend sports events on the Sabbath.” When parents portray God’s way of life as a burden, children will feel disadvantaged. On the other hand, when parents portray God’s way of life as an awesome advantage and a blessing, children will value it.

Children who hear parents continually expressing their thankfulness for what God has done in their lives, no matter what their current situation, will benefit tremendously as they begin to acquire the “big picture” from their parents. This life is a training ground for the future family of God, and we will “graduate” to our real career at Christ’s return! As children begin to realize what an awesome and very real future they are being trained for, they become more capable of thinking in the long term, as they can begin anticipating and preparing for God’s Kingdom.

Parents who are working together—supporting each other as a team, working as a “united front”—multiply the power of example. When children see their parents expressing love and appreciation for each other, with an occasional “I love you” accompanied by a hug, they naturally develop a greater sense of security. The children know they are loved, and they know that the two most important people in their lives love each other. Their world is secure, and they readily desire to follow the pattern of love and security that their parents are demonstrating as the outcome of God’s way of life.

On the other hand, children who continually see parents fighting, arguing and being disrespectful of each other will, in time, realize that their parents’ “way of life” is not working for them, no matter what they preach. Marriage is a “living laboratory” that can demonstrate either the tremendous benefits of God’s way of life, or the destructive effects of the world’s way of life. It would be wonderful if all children could learn equally well from a poor parental example—learning what not to do—but the reality is that children can recognize where there is unhappiness, and naturally reject the parents’ way of life that seems to have brought them such unhappiness.

TOTAL TRUTHFULNESS

Children absolutely need to see in their parents an example of total truthfulness! Truth is the foundation of God’s way of life: “The entirety of your word is truth” (Psalm 119:160). If children see their parents lie or deceive (as is the standard in much popular entertainment today), they have no reason to accept the spiritual principles in which the parents say they believe! When children see total truthfulness in their parents, this lends tremendous credibility to the concept that there are spiritual laws that must not be violated. When parents are quick with a “white lie” to escape an awkward situation, children quickly pick up on this example, and soon begin to play by the same rules. Even worse is when parents ask their children to lie for them—perhaps telling a child who answers the phone to say that the parent “is not here.” If God’s principles do not apply in these situations, how will children ever know that it is important to tell the truth? For children who experience parental lying, the whole concept of truth becomes relative to what seems best at the moment.

If lying is part of parents’ character, their children will not trust them. Similarly, God will not be able to trust parents who lie, and He says plainly that no liars will be in His Kingdom (Revelation 21:8). If parents live by the principle of truthfulness, and teach it diligently to their children from an early age, lying will become almost nonexistent. This then becomes the foundation of great trust between parents and children, which builds a very strong parent-child relationship.

TRUE VALUES

Children also learn much by observing the standards their parents use in valuing other people. In today’s society, it seems that the three main false standards of value are power, money and appearance. Parents do their children a huge disservice when they shower extra attention and favor on others with more power, wealth or beauty—they are, in effect, telling their children that they are much more impressed by the world’s values than by godly values and character.

God’s standard of human worth is clear: “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature… For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” ( 1 Samuel 16:7). Parents should apply this principle to their children. Approval and acceptance of children should be based on unconditional love and on character. If young children are frequently told: “you are such a beautiful little girl” or “what a handsome young man you are,” they are receiving the wrong message of their value. Parents’ compliments should primarily be focused on children’s character and good deeds. Children should be praised and encouraged when they are honest, caring and sharing, when they show integrity, and when they regularly seek God through prayer and Bible study.

Parents who are unduly focused on their own attractiveness can also send the wrong message. Children quickly pick up on their parents’ values. Mothers whose dress is immodest—favoring provocative clothing such as tight pants, short skirts or low-cut or clinging tops—are telling their children that such appearance is valued in a wife and mother, and that her main value is her ability to attract attention and even lust. Given such an example, daughters will expect to dress in a more extreme and revealing way than their mothers, and sons will look for the same in a wife. God, however, set the standard for godly women when He inspired Paul to write: “I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God” ( 1 Timothy 2:9–10, NIV).

This principle, of course, applies equally to fathers. When one’s main sense of value and self-worth comes from appearance and clothing, children notice. Also, when children see that their father takes the most notice of a woman’s clothing and her body, then this sends the wrong signal. Yes, wives need to know that their husbands find them attractive, but what children really need to hear is that their father deeply appreciates and values their mother’s godly traits and character.

TIME WITH GOD

Children should be able to notice their parents’ personal prayer and study time. It is fine, and not to be avoided, for children occasionally to wander into their parents’ bedroom and find one or both parents on their knees praying. Such an example will be impressed on their children’s minds for the rest of their lives as they recognize their parents’ prayer routine as an essential priority in their lives.

When parents consistently pray over each meal, children learn to respect God more than their hunger. Parents can even encourage their toddlers to keep quiet during mealtime prayer, by holding their hands throughout the prayer and showing them how to bow their heads. This way, they not only see the importance their parents place on communicating with the God who is so important in their lives—they also learn early how to model that same respect themselves.

Children also learn from the example of seeing their parents studying God’s word daily. Although it is usually easier to study while children are asleep, parents may find it helpful to vary their schedule occasionally, so children can see the example of parents who study God’s word. It is a healthy part of a child’s development to recognize that parents need to spend time with their Heavenly Father. Children also benefit from learning to entertain themselves quietly while parents are studying, supervised by a parent but knowing not to interrupt.

If children see that their parents study God’s word only once a week at church, they too will most likely adopt the same pattern. Through their parents’ example, they will perceive that studying is a duty and a chore to be “worked in” once a week. By contrast, children who see their parents happily studying God’s word daily will in time expect to mimic their parents’ pattern of making Bible study and prayer a valued daily link to the Great God.

Children should also see occasional fasting as a normal part of their parents’ lives, as part of seeking God’s guidance regarding what is best for the family, and regarding their personal spiritual growth. As children mature and face key decisions of their own, their parents’ example of fasting will become increasingly beneficial. They will come to appreciate God’s promise that, if they fast regularly for the right reasons: “The Lord will guide you continually” (Isaiah 58:11). Children who learn this lesson from their parents’ example will have inherited a tremendous life-long legacy for success as they learn to turn to God in times of need, decision-making and even repentance.

Parents’ example of church attendance will also have a crucial effect on their children. Young people who see their parents reluctantly drag themselves to church, or see them miss frequently, will begin to see church attendance as an option, or as an “obligation” that must occasionally be met to satisfy God or the minister. What a horrendous mistake! By contrast, if children see their parents gladly attending, with the rare exception of illness, they will begin to appreciate their parents’ genuine desire to learn more about God and His way of life.

As the years go by, and children see their parents’ example of valuing time spent in prayer, Bible study, church attendance and occasional fasting, they will come to appreciate that their parents place the utmost importance on their relationship with God. While even the most outstanding parental example will not absolutely guarantee success in passing along to children the value of living God’s way, a poor example will surely hinder children’s ability to appreciate their parents’ way of life. Christian parents must make it obvious to their children, by the example of both words and deeds, that following the way of life exemplified by Jesus Christ is the true path to joy and happiness.

CHAPTER 6 CREATING A GOD-CENTERED FAMILY CULTURE

All too often, parents tend to compartmentalize God in their family life. We view the Christian walk as composed of certain Christ-like behavior patterns, church services, and perhaps occasional family Bible studies. In truth, this is a good start, but there is far more to creating a culture of God within our homes. If we visualize our entire family life as a pie chart, most would view the spiritual aspect of parenting as a small percentage of the whole: simply a small piece of the pie. In contrast, if we truly do want to rear children “in God’s image,” then the spiritual focus must encompass the entire pie.

What does this mean? Simply that every decision we make as parents should revolve around the question: “Will this increase or decrease the likelihood that my child will grow up ‘in God’s image’?” Perhaps a father is considering a second part-time job, which would help the family afford a vacation cabin. Certainly the family would value the cabin—but the second job would cause him to spend much less time with his children. So, what would more likely turn the children toward God when they are older: the pleasure of a cabin in the woods, or the presence of a devoted father spending more time each day with his children?

When a family’s parenting is guided by this type of priority-setting, a much more stable foundation is being laid, which will dramatically increase the likelihood that children will walk in their parents’ spiritual footsteps. Years ago, we hung a plaque on a wall in our home, with a scripture that summarizes this principle: “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” ( Joshua 24:15).

What, then, are some of the significant principles that will help us guide our family decisions in this way, creating a God-centered family culture? Let us consider five vital principles:

Principle 1: Go to the source

of true godly culture—God Himself

In and of themselves, parents almost inevitably lack sufficient wisdom and understanding to guide their children’s young minds in a godly direction. Adults’ primary model for parenting, of course, comes from their own parents. All parents enter the parenting years influenced by whatever flaws were present in their own upbringing. No matter how much we appreciate our parents—most of whom did the best they knew how—the fact is that none of us have grown up with flawless examples by which we can pattern our own parenting. For that matter, none of our parents grew up with ideal examples, either—a pattern that extends all the way back to the first human children, Cain and Abel.

Yet, if we have not laid a godly foundation for our children when they are small, it becomes all the more difficult to establish that foundation when they mature into their teen years. Thankfully, we can turn to the perfect parent, God Himself, and seek His help when we lack what it takes. God tells us in His word that if a parent “does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” ( 1 Timothy 5:8). God, as our parent, lives by this same principle and is ever willing to give us all the help we need, if we are willing to go to the source.

Parents all too often realize that they lack the necessary wisdom to handle so many of the difficult and frustrating circumstances they encounter in rearing children. In my own family’s history, there have been many situations in which my wife or I realized that we were “in over our head.” But God has given us—His spiritual children—a promise: “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally” ( James 1:5).

When a family situation is particularly difficult, it is time to focus even more fervently on seeking God’s help, wisdom and direction. Once, when Jesus’ disciples were frustrated by their inability to cast out a demon from a young man, Jesus told them: ” This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting” (Mark 9:29). And so it is with so many difficult problems in life, including parenting—some problems are overcome “by nothing but prayer and fasting.” In fasting, we move closer to our God, admitting our weaknesses and our total need for His guidance, wisdom and insight. God promises that when we take this approach of seeking God aggressively through fasting: “The Lord will guide you continually” ( Isaiah 58:11). We must be willing to ask, in order to receive!

Principle 2: Be willing to put

your children ahead of yourself

Our human nature—and the world around us—teach a very contrary principle: “Find yourself, discover yourself, and take care of ‘number one’ because no one else will.” But what comes about when we follow the world’s advice and make ourselves “number one”? If we do so, and neglect our responsibilities in parenting, we will leave a void in our children’s lives—a void that will be filled, by society and by Satan’s mindset! Remember, we may neglect our children’s upbringing, but Satan will never neglect to do what he can to influence them!

Paul’s admonition to the Philippians applies especially to parents. “Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus” ( Philippians 2:4–5). Most parents—especially mothers—can remember the countless times that they were awakened in the middle of the night by the cries of a newborn baby. It would be a rare parent, indeed, who would simply ignore a newborn’s cry with the thought: “I need my sleep; I have to take care of myself.” Most parents find that it comes fairly naturally to put the physical needs of their children ahead of their own—but it is rare indeed for a parent to put their children’s long-range spiritual needs at the forefront of the family’s priorities. Parents need to ask themselves, from time to time: “Have I put the needs of ‘self’ ahead of the need to rear my children ‘in God’s image’?” It takes an investment of time to put our children’s spiritual needs first, but God wants parents to take advantage of every opportunity to teach their children godly principles. “You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up” ( Deuteronomy 6:7).

Principle 3: Make a godly mindset

the chief influence on your children

It is a high calling for human beings to be given the responsibility of molding young minds in the image of God. We cannot accomplish this by wishful thinking or simply by desire. It requires a huge investment of time and effort, and careful attention to the roles God has given to parents. God wants husbands to be fully supportive of their wives as “keepers at home” ( Titus 2:5, KJV). When a wife and mother is able to spend her hours as a full-time “keeper at home,” she can create a warm and nurturing environment while serving as the chief influence in forming her young children’s character. Sending young preschool children to a day-care center during their formative years dramatically changes the dynamics of rearing children “in God’s image.” Day after day, children in such situations quickly have their view of life shaped by other children and adults around them. The significant question for a parent becomes: “Do I want my little child’s mind formed by our family, or by the world?”

Many parents will say: “Yes, we know that having a full-time Mom at home is ideal, but we simply can’t afford it.” Sadly, it is often true that a mother must work so that a family can make ends meet. But we should not overlook another vital dimension of help and support: God Himself. He is not limited in resources, nor is He limited in the capacity to provide for His own children. If we turn our desire over to God in frequent prayer, reminding God that we really want our children to grow up loving Him and living His way of life, God will hear! Ask God to show you how to economize or do your part in lowering expenses or increasing income. Often, the seemingly impossible is possible through God, if we fully trust Him, and ask according to His will: “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).

God’s word also tells us: “Those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing” ( Psalm 34:10). Since God knows the value of the mother’s role at home, we should trust Him to provide so this will be possible. Yes, this may require a family to reduce its physical standard of living, but if the family’s chief goal is to bring up children in God’s image, God assures us that with His help it is possible!

Many couples discover that when a mother quits working, the family is not nearly as “behind” financially as they had feared. When a working mother gives up her paycheck, she also gives up many extra costs that go with being a working mother: perhaps a second car payment, extra insurance, gasoline, clothes for the workplace, dry cleaning bills, more restaurant meals and packaged foods for the family, and so on. Often, the loss in income is not nearly as great as it might first appear.

When a mother is able to stay at home full-time, young children’s sponge-like minds will be guided and shaped primarily by a devoted mother and father, rather than primarily by the world. Though family circumstances vary, it is generally true that the longer a mother can be a full-time Mom at home, the better for the children. An increasing number of parents who have the resources and ability are choosing to “home school” their children, because of concerns about the quality and environment of schools in today’s society. Yes, there are cases where a mother must work, and cannot provide an “ideal” environment for her children. This is not an ideal world, and we do have to make the best of circumstances that are beyond our control. Single parents have a unique burden in parenting, which can only be lightened by a very close relationship with God the Father and Jesus Christ. Successful single parents do all they can to seek God’s guidance, asking Him to give them added help and extra ability to fulfill the spiritual needs of a young child. God Himself takes a special interest in widows or single parents who are struggling to rear their children “in God’s image.” God says that He is a “father of the fatherless, a defender of widows“ ( Psalm 68:5).

Principle 4: Cultivate the concept

that “we are different from the world”

Being different from the world does not mean that Christians are “better” or “superior” in a self-righteous way. It does mean that Christians recognize that they have a different set of standards and a different calling, which they should work at transmitting to their children. Being different from the world is not something that Christians should be ashamed of; it is something that they should be thankful for and strive for ! God’s people are certainly unique in many ways, and are even called “a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people” (1 Peter 2:9, KJV).

Being peculiar—unique—does not mean that Christians are odd, strange or weird! It does mean that they have a different set of standards—God’s laws—and a different order of priorities in life: seeking “first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness” (Matthew 6:33). If children perceive that their parents fear or are embarrassed by being different from the world, they will internalize the wrong standard: that what people in the world think of us is more important than what God thinks of us.

We can help our children value being different—help them value God’s ways—by continually emphasizing to them the benefits of God’s way of life, as opposed to the natural penalties of following the world. Yes, this does take a huge investment of time and energy, but the reward is immeasurable!

Principle 5: Guard children’s minds

from the influence of the ungodly

It is so crucial that we protect our children from Satan’s influence and propaganda onslaught, but we also do not want to bring them up naïve and ignorant of the world, vulnerable to Satan’s devices. Jesus Christ expressed similar sentiments when He prayed that God would protect His followers: “I do not pray that You should take them out of the world, but that You should keep them from the evil one” ( John 17:15).

Some parents, when seeking a neighborhood where they will buy a house or rent an apartment, make a priority of finding a neighborhood where there are many other children with whom their children can play. This is an excellent choice if you want to rear children who spend most of their free time absorbing the mindset of the world. When our family has looked for places to live, we have actually been delighted to find an older neighborhood with few children. Does this mean we wanted to isolate our children? Not at all! Our goal has been to let our children mix with other children in regulated, supervised activities—not in unregulated and unsupervised “free time.”

When our children were growing up, we involved them extensively in community athletic leagues. Our two sons and two daughters were involved in such supervised activities as tee ball, baseball, softball, soccer, gymnastics, ballet, tap dance and swimming. They actively mixed with children from all backgrounds, but that mixing was “purpose-driven.” Our children were participating in activities where coaching and teamwork were central.

What we sought to avoid were the unsupervised activities with neighborhood children—in the alley, or out in the woods, or at the local hangout or at the movies, or even at friends’ homes when their parents were gone. We did not want to give our children a “green light” to mix freely with the world’s mindset, which is characterized as having “walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons [children] of disobedience“ ( Ephesians 2:2). This is not to say that we wanted to separate our children totally from the world; we simply wanted to expose them to the world in a structured and controlled way.

Though we do have friendly acquaintances who are not Christian, God’s people should be our true friends, and we should emphasize and teach our children God’s key directive that we be “not unequally yoked together with unbelievers ( 2 Corinthians 6:14). This does not at all mean that we think we are better than others, but it does mean that we take God’s word and His principles seriously! If we saturate our minds with close friendships in the world, this will, in time, tend to shift our focus away from the Kingdom of God and toward the things of Satan’s world.

If we encourage our children, and our teens, to fully intermingle with the world—through neighborhood sleepovers, close neighborhood friends, school dances and dating in the world—we are slowly but surely inviting them to accept the world’s influence and mindset. Time spent together is certainly a factor of friendship with the world, and God warns all of us: “Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God” ( James 4:4). Close friendships in the world inevitably become an increasing link to this world’s society, and to a value system alien to God’s people.

This is not to say that all those “of the world” are to be shunned and avoided at all costs. There are many “good” people in society who are doing the best they know how in living moral lives. But if our goal in parenting is to rear the next generation “in God’s image,” we will increase the likelihood of doing so if we encourage our children to form their closest, deepest friendships with those walking the same path to God’s Kingdom. Remember, every aspect of our parenting should revolve around the question: “Will this increase or decrease the likelihood that my child will grow up ‘in God’s image’?”

CHAPTER 7 PUTTING GOD’S WAY INTO ACTION

Since the central focus of godly parenting is to bring up children “in God’s image”—with Jesus Christ’s values, thoughts and way of life—a vital aspect of parenting is building children’s character through the activities and interactions of the family.

Most children grow up influenced by society through the overwhelming imprint of the school system, the twisted entertainment lessons of movies and television and the pervading influence of peer groups. Parents may try to counter the corrosive effects of society’s godless direction with their loving teaching and right example, but an additional component is needed. Here is how God Himself summarized godly parenting:

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart; you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes”( Deuteronomy 6:5–8).

Notice what parents are told concerning teaching God’s principles to their child—to “bind them as a sign on your hand.” What does this mean? Binding God’s principles “as a sign on your hand” signifies the daily activities of family life! All the verbal teaching

in the world will not be enough if a healthy dose of “character building in action” is lacking! Family activities can be a tremendous tool to teach the principles of God. Yes, children learn much

by “hearing” (parental teaching) and “seeing” (parental example), but there is also much to be learned by “doing” (putting godly principles into action).

So how do family activities and interaction fit in? Family activities are meant to build strong, healthy family relationships. All of God’s spiritual laws revolve around developing a strong relationship with God (loving Him above all else) and developing healthy relationships with people (loving others as oneself). As parents develop warm, loving and active relationships with their children, they are laying the foundation for a future warm, loving and active relationship with God the Father and Jesus Christ!

By contrast, children who grow up in sterile environments with very little parent/child interaction do not readily develop the capacity to identify with and love God, their spiritual parent. Many children have grown up with uninvolved parents, and as adults feel a great deal of difficulty identifying with the greater authority of God, the ultimate parent. Children who have seen their parents as uninvolved, harsh or judgmental will most likely later in life also perceive God as uninvolved, harsh or judgmental.

It has often been said that friendship is a factor of time spent together. It can also be said that godly character developed in childhood can depend greatly upon quality time spent between child and parent. I have talked with many adults who admit that one of the great voids of their life has been the lack of a mother’s or father’s active involvement and interest in their childhood. Perhaps the father worked long hours and regularly came home exhausted, only to collapse in front of a television or disappear into some other activity. Or perhaps the mother was primarily involved with a career or her own personal interests, not finding quality time at crucial moments for her children. Whatever the circumstances, without parental involvement many valuable opportunities can be lost in the vitally formative years of a growing child’s life. Children primarily left to their own devices, spending most of their time with the television, school friends, video games or the Internet, will begin to identify more with the society around them than with their own parents’ values.

Parents who see the value of family activities with warm interactions will find many opportunities to share God’s way of life with their children. Children can learn and experience the joy of outgoing concern and compassion for others, teamwork, love for God’s creation, the value of close family relationships, and many other building blocks of a Christian life to demonstrate that God’s way of life really does work!

What are some specific ways in which parents can use family time and activities to reinforce godly principles?

RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES

Some parents assume that all recreational activities are created equal, but adult children looking back on their childhood do not seem to agree. When I recently asked my four children what family activities they remember and value the most, they did not mention the trips to Disneyland or other theme parks, or an exotic trip to a Pacific island. What they did remember and value the most was the time spent together in varied activities as a family that involved a lot of talking and shared interaction. As one daughter said, it “had more to do with the family atmosphere rather than the activity itself!”

Interestingly enough, the money spent has little to do with the value of the time spent together. Simple activities, like family hikes along the river where our children grew up, quickly came to mind. These were times to look at a bug, or hear a duck quack as it paddled its way down river, or be amazed at the tremendously varied plant life that grew along the tangled river bank. These opportunities to marvel at God’s handiwork on a lazy afternoon gave us a real-world classroom to point out the awesome mind of the Creator, as well as explaining the illogical theory and “religion” of evolution. The time spent together talking, skipping rocks across the river, and helping children over a fallen log along the way, was another way of saying “I love you; I am interested in you, and I care about what you are thinking.” Obviously, busy parents could always be doing something seemingly more valuable at home but children build strong family bonds, one moment at a time.

Hanging on my study wall is a photograph I value greatly. My sons and I are wearing backpacks, with snow-covered mountains in the background. We had decided, while the boys were still teens, for the three of us to hike part of the stunningly scenic John Muir Trail in the Sierra Mountains of California. In preparation, we decided on a fitness routine incorporating weightlifting and running. The three of us were motivated by each other, and I faced the harsh reality of seeing teenage sons that could out-lift me in weight training and out-do me in our running! It became a year-long effort with a goal that became contagious, and drew in our youngest daughter as well! The respect and camaraderie we shared formed a bond of which we still have very special memories. We worked hard together, planned for and accomplished the hike that will always stand out in our memories!

More recently, two of our children accompanied my wife and me on a day-long hike snowshoeing to the very edge of a 3,000-foot cliff overlooking Yosemite Valley in the renowned Yosemite National Park. For a beginning snowshoe experience, it took a lot of effort huffing and puffing through miles of snowy terrain. As we finally reached the car at the end of the day, our son stated, “Activities like this, in which we work hard and tire out together, seem to pull us together in a special way.” How true this is! It is not hours spent sprawled on the living room couch watching a movie without moving a muscle that builds family bonds and godly family values. No, it takes time spent together interacting. The goal then is for parents to always be striving to “work in” or highlight some character-building principle, while having a good time as a family.

So many other opportunities abound in which parents can incorporate activities into events that help children develop right character, as well as rounding out their interests, education, and social opportunities. Visits to historical locations and museums emphasizing the contributions of those who preceded us in our national history help to teach the lesson of appreciating the contribution and sacrifice of others. Additionally, an occasional cultural event such as taking in an uplifting and inspiring concert helps children learn and appreciate music of balance and harmony. With a little effort it can be pointed out that God appreciates balance and harmony in music as well as in His creation and all aspects of a godly lifestyle.

BALANCED WORK ETHIC

Today, children often grow up with one of two opposite attitudes concerning the value of work. Some children acquire from their parents the assumption that work is an evil to be avoided if at all possible. Countless millions of individuals lavish any extra money they have on state lotteries, casino gambling or sports betting, looking for the “one big hit” that would free them from the drudgery of work. Other children see their parents existing for years on the welfare rolls, putting little effort into changing their difficult situation and lifestyle.

At the opposite extreme are the many parents who work very hard at trying to get ahead in life, but who sacrifice their children along the way. They think that if they just work long and hard enough, and finally earn enough money, their children will have the “good life.” In truth, many children receive an abundance of electronic “toys” bestowed by guilt-ridden, hard-working and seldom-seen parents. These children would benefit so much more from the example of parents who not only provide for their children’s basic physical needs, but also provide for their emotional and spiritual needs by investing time in their children’s thinking process, personality and spiritual development, while taking the time for some laughter along the way.

Group work projects involving both parents and children can go far in helping instill a balanced work ethic in their children. Working together as a family helps to instill the value of work along with a sense of teamwork and “pulling your own weight.” The process of working together contributes to a “we” rather than an “I” mentality, contributing to their sense of a secure belonging within the family unit. In our family, the most frequently used work projects involved the yard, where everyone could lend a hand no matter what the age. There always were leaves to rake, plants to prune, weeds to pull, floors to sweep and lawns to mow.

Our children often recall with laughter that their mother’s favorite Mother’s Day activity was a family work day in the yard. After a hearty breakfast, when the handmade cards had been read, her request for the day was that we all spend a few hours with her in the colorful flower beds, pruning bushes and roses together as a family. Yes, the children probably would have preferred to be swimming or enjoying some other activity, but they certainly did learn that working together produced a very appreciative mother—along with a beautiful yard toward which we had all contributed, and could all enjoy together. Their mother had worked and sweated along with the rest of us, even on Mother’s Day.

Every family’s situation is different, and not everyone has a yard that can be the focus for children learning to work together, but the inside of the house or apartment is always a work opportunity just waiting to happen. There are always rooms to vacuum, bathrooms to clean, windows and mirrors to wash and trash to empty. One key is for children to be assigned age-appropriate jobs, with everyone working together along with one or both parents.

While we wanted our children to know that their contribution was expected as family members, we still recognized that family chores can also be the vehicle for lessons of money management. We decided to set varying monetary amounts for various chores, with some jobs assigned daily, some weekly and others dependent on the individual child’s personal industriousness and how much they wanted to earn. It was interesting to see the individual natures of the four children: some spent their small earnings quickly on small items, and some saved and never spent. With time, they all came to realize that most everything material in life must be earned, and hard-earned dollars can quickly be spent and lost on items that have no lasting or redeeming value.

Seeing to it that children have family chores and a proper work ethic, also develops the key concept of responsibility. This contributes to a sense of belonging to the family unit, and can help develop a sense of personal satisfaction in being successful at finishing their assignments or commitments. Responsibility also helps to prepare them for the real world of adulthood, where following through on assignments in college and later on the job can be crucial to their success. Ultimately, the strong concept of personal responsibility will better prepare them in their commitment to God, His spiritual laws and His way of life.

OUTGOING CONCERN IN ACTION

Jesus Christ and the apostles repeatedly taught that the very foundation of God’s way of life is the godly character trait of love. The Savior stated: “This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you” (John 15:12). Paul summarized it well when he stated: “Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law” ( Romans 13:10). This essential trait of Jesus Christ and of the Father can perhaps be best described as “outgoing concern.”

If our children are going to grow up really wanting to follow their parents in seeking God and living a life “in His image,” it is absolutely essential that children learn this core trait of God, through the actions of the parents! Obviously, outgoing concern must be experienced and shown consistently, day by day, from parent to child, as well as between husband and wife. If this is not the case, all the preaching and teaching in the world by the parents will not accomplish the desired goal. Children are very observant critics, often citing hypocrisy as a reason for abandoning their parent’s belief system. This consistency of outgoing concern for others is the basis of the Ten Commandments, of which the first four require outgoing love for God, and the last six require outgoing love toward all other people.

Less commonly practiced is the outgoing concern that children need to see directed to others outside the immediate family. If this godly trait is only directed within the family, children can readily grow up to be self-centered and uncaring toward others. A child or parent who only sees the need for outgoing concern within the family will never see the need of the very Work of God in which the Church has been commissioned to “go into all the world and preach the Gospel”(Mark 16:15). Christ made it clear that “Freely you have received, freely give” ( Matthew 10:8).

Tithes and offerings given freely to God’s Work help children realize that the world is a much bigger place than just their immediate family. Children can be emotionally involved and excited in seeing where their offerings and tithes go, becoming aware of the benefit to others. For example, when our young daughter realized that her contribution covered the cost of printing and mailing a church booklet to some person watching our church’s television program, she decided to increase her offering, excited to realize that she, as an individual, played a part in the larger “Work” of God. Family discussions and prayers help focus young minds on the bigger picture of the meaning and goal of life, giving children a positive outlook on a plan so much larger than our physical existence. Parents’ non-judgmental and positive approach will help children develop a strong desire to choose to be a part of the spiritual body of Christ as they mature.

Children’s real-life personal involvement in giving of their time is also a key element in developing their concern for others. Some years ago, our family participated in an “Adopt the Elderly” program with older members of our church. At first, we were participating to be supportive of the elderly in their loneliness. Little did we realize that there would be many rewards and benefits not only to us, but to our children as well! In preparation for each visit, we reminded our children that while their “real” grandparents were not in the area, the elderly in the Church were “related” through the same “spiritual Father,” so they could look to them as a type of grandparent as well. Our children began looking forward to the visits, and started taking cards, cookies or drawings to these new “grandparents.” The children learned to listen quietly to stories told, looked carefully at objects of interest shown to them, and developed an interest in a bygone era to which they had not previously given much thought. They enjoyed the individual love and warmth that was reciprocated to them!

GOD’S WAY WORKS!

The experience of parenting can be one of the most challenging and difficult tasks in a parent’s life, yet it has the potential of being the most fulfilling and richest experience in life! Frustrations, concerns and worries may abound, yet nothing is more satisfying to parents than seeing their children sincerely enjoy living God’s way of life. We understand that not every child reared in the Church will “catch the vision” and develop “in God’s image,” but it is a given that our efforts are never wasted! Even if they veer from the direction learned within the home, our children who have been taught and seen demonstrated God’s way of life in their childhood will have a foundation on which they can rely, whether in this life or in God’s Kingdom.

There is no richer inheritance that parents can give their children than to see, hear, and experience the fullness of the blessings that come from choosing obedience and fulfillment in God. Parents who devote the time and the commitment—showing genuine love and interest in their children—will receive a reward that will bless them, and their children, to the end of their days! “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them ” (Psalm 127:3–5).

Booklet Category

Christian Living

Family

God’s Plan for Happy Marriage

4uwzvo — Wed, 02 Mar 2022 16:53:48 +0000

God’s Plan for Happy Marriage

4uwzvo Wed, 03/02/2022 - 16:53

God’s Plan for Happy Marriage

Roderick C. Meredith (1930-2017)

Booklet Media

There really are “keys” and time-tested principles which can help produce truly JOYOUS marriages! Our success in marriage depends upon our willingness to USE these keys in our own lives.

Preface

Scores of women have told me, with tears in their eyes: “My husband just won’t talk to me! He is distant. He won’t share things with me anymore. Even though we share the same house and the same food, I feel so alone most of the time!”

The breakdown of marriage and family in western societies is by now legendary. The statistics are terrible, but would be much worse were it not for the millions of couples choosing to live together nowadays without benefit of marriage. Since there never was a marriage, neither is there a recorded divorce if these couples break up—which they do even more quickly than those who bothered to get married.

Even so, Associated Press recently reported that some 19.4 million American adults are currently divorced, representing 9.8 percent of the population. So nearly one out of ten American adults is now divorced! However, of course, many others were previously divorced but have since remarried. By any estimate, tens of millions of Americans have at one time or another gone through the trauma of divorce, and other tens of millions have been deeply hurt by divorce: children, close relatives, friends and associates. It is sad to say, but divorce is “as American as apple pie!”

What Does GOD Say?

But what does God have to say about divorce and about the real meaning and purpose of marriage? This is vital to understand. For history shows us that any nation whose society allows or causes its families to come apart soon begins to disintegrate. Most historians note that “the breakdown of the family” was one of the symptoms, if not causes, of the fall of the Roman Empire. And in our newspapers, we read countless articles describing how young people in fatherless homes tend to turn to drugs, illicit sex and crime far more than do those raised in stable families.

In fact, roughly 20 million American children under 18 years of age in the United States live with just one parent. This represents 28 percent of all children. The majority of these—84 percent—live with their mother. In other words, approximately 17 million American children live in fatherless homes!

No wonder youth crime has been spiraling upward for decades. No wonder our world has produced an entire generation of young people seemingly unafraid to do wrong. They seem to have no conscience. They are absolutely blatant in their sarcasm and in their rebellion against the rules of society and against the laws of God. As many have observed, this is the “in your face” generation. In a dual prophecy that certainly refers, in type, to our day, the prophet Isaiah was inspired to write: “I will give children to be their princes, and babes shall rule over them. The people will be oppressed, every one by another and every one by his neighbor; the child will be insolent toward the elder, and the base toward the honorable” (Isaiah 3:4–5).

In the New Testament, the Apostle Paul describes that “in the last days perilous times will come: for men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!” (2 Timothy 3:1–5). Such people who are unthankful, unholy, unforgiving and disobedient to parents are very unlikely to have strong, stable, loving marriages!

What we all need, then, are “keys” to building God-centered marriages, and principles as to how He would have us live together joyously as husbands and wives. The following are just such godly principles gleaned from more than 50 years in pastoral and family counseling, much reading and studying, and more than 45 years of happy marriage.

Chapter One

Build a God-Centered Marriage

“Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it” (Psalm 127:1). Many of you reading this may need to go back and re-prove to yourselves the reality of God! For we certainly did not just “happen.” Our human minds were obviously created by something greater than ourselves. The pervasive laws all around us—such as the laws of gravity, inertia and thermodynamics—all demand a great Lawgiver. The magnificent designs of our human bodies, and of the plants, animals and heavenly bodies, all demand a great Designer. The inspired prophecies of the Bible, which have been and now are being fulfilled, all demand the reality of a personal God—a God who sits at the controls of the universe and actually intervenes in His creation—a God who is working out a supreme purpose here on earth!

As you come to know that very real God, you will increasingly understand that He really does know what is best for you, and for every area of your life, certainly including your marriage. For He is the One who Creator us male and female. He is the One who created our bodies and minds, and who specifically designed the differences between us and even the different ways men and women think and view the world around them.

The Great Creator made man and woman for one another. He certainly knows better than all the psychologists and marriage counselors put together how our bodies and minds work, and how we can best relate to one another in marriage. The Holy Bible tells us, “and the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being” (Genesis 2:7). A little later we read, “and the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him'” (v. 18).

Man alone is not complete. Adam felt that incompleteness and that utter loneliness. He had no one of his kind to talk to or to share things with. He had no one to love and to cherish, to have and to hold—no one with whom, to the depths of his being, he could feel that he really belonged.

Our Heavenly Father understood this.

So God put Adam to sleep and literally took one of Adam’s ribs and made it into a woman! Of course, God could have done it another way. But He chose to show both male and female that we ultimately belong together. So God took something from Adam’s side, near Adam’s heart, and made Eve. “And Adam said: ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man'” (v. 23).

In the original Hebrew language, this verse reads: “She shall be called Ishah [from Ish] because she was taken out of Ish [man].” And so God made a “helper” comparable to Adam” (v. 20)—one to whom he could truly relate and share his thoughts, his plans, his hopes and dreams.

God’s Purpose in Marriage

It is vital that we understand from the very beginning that man and woman were created by God. They were to share life together in love. Yet the woman was made to be a “helper” to the man. She was made from man and—despite all the pronouncements of the modern “experts”—a woman can find her greatest joy and fulfillment in relating to, helping, supplementing and assisting her husband in their life together, in bearing children, and in managing a household.

A very real Satan the Devil is doing all he can to obliterate this concept from the minds of young people today. Through the psychologists and marriage counselors, through the media and even through the educational system, Satan is busily attacking God’s plan for the family. He is vigorously pumping out the concept that mankind was not created by a real God. He wants us to believe that we just “happened” to evolve, that there is no supreme purpose for our lives, and that men and women are not essentially different in many ways, so it does not make any difference as to the roles they play and which one is the leader in the family.

Now, Satan has even begun to influence certain segments of our society to accept the idea that a “family” need not consist of a husband and wife. It may be two or more people of the same sex just “living together.” However, if you believe the Bible, notice what Jesus said about marriage: “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19:4–6). Jesus puts God squarely in the picture. He shows that God did create the first woman for the first man. He then caused them to come together, as man and wife, to become “one flesh” in this God-ordained relationship. God intends all marriages since to follow this example.

Jesus explained that only because of the “hardness” of their hearts did God permit a husband and wife to divorce. And that was only for sexual immorality. Jesus clearly referred to the Genesis “creation story” as a fact. Jesus acknowledged that God “made us male and female” (v. 4). Again, Jesus said, regarding marriage: “What God has joined together, let not man separate” (v. 6). If this profound realization—that it is God who ordained marriage—is at the very heart of your marriage, you will have an infinitely better chance at success.

The Husband’s Responsibility

Certainly a man ought not to marry a woman unless he really and truly loves her. Yet, sorrowfully, we must acknowledge that millions of men have never learned the meaning of the word “love.” Because of cheap movies and wrong examples, they have all too often learned to confuse “love” with lust. They seem to think that a base, animal sexual desire to “get” satisfaction from another person of the opposite sex constitutes love. Nothing could be further from the truth!

For true love involves a giving—a sharing of plans, hopes and dreams between two people who want to build an entire life together until death does them part. If they are not able to talk things over, smile into each other’s eyes, share little joys and intimacies and stick together when the big trials come, their love is lost indeed.

The Apostle Paul commanded: “Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them” (Colossians 3:19). Some husbands do allow themselves quickly to become “bitter” because their wives do not measure up to an angelic idol of perfection envisioned in their own human imaginations!

But a wife was never intended to be an idol! She was never designed to be perfect in this life any more than her husband was! She was not intended to be a perfect housekeeper, mother, companion and Hollywood sex goddess all wrapped up in one individual!

Rather, she was designed and created—by the Maker of us all—to be a sweetheart, help and inspiration to a man who would share himself with her, go over his plans, hopes and dreams with her, give her encouragement and guidance, and lead, not drive, their home in an attitude of confidence and love!

All too often, especially in our modern world, men seem to think that it is up to the “little woman” to talk about spiritual things and get the children interested in matters concerning God and the Church. This is not true, and any man who fails his God-given responsibility in this is simply selling out his own birthright! For God intended the man, if he will act on his responsibilities and opportunities, to be the spiritual leader in the home.

Notice this inspired scriptural statement: “But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Corinthians 11:3).

Every man alive has the opportunity to be the direct representative of God over his own home—in teaching, instructing, leading and inspiring his wife and children to learn and obey the words of the Holy Bible and to worship and serve the God who made them. Most wives and children will instantly and gladly respond if given half a chance! Men need to realize this. They must set a dynamic example of dedication to their Creator, study of His Word, prayer to God at mealtimes—and family prayer as well as private prayer on one’s knees in the bedroom, closet or other private place.

The man should set an example of self-discipline in the fear of God. He should show that he is man enough—strong enough—to conquer his lusts and control his appetites. By conquering his smoking habit, by controlling his drinking and other appetites, by restraining his emotions and directing them in the right channels, by controlling and guiding his tongue according to the “law of kindness,” he can set an example which will never be forgotten by his sons and daughters as they grow up. And this example will certainly command the respect, admiration and love of any sensitive, wise woman.

So if you will truly study the Bible to see what it says about marriage, if you will strive—with God’s help—to follow the biblical teachings, principles and examples in your marriage, then you will be blessed indeed. If a newly married couple would get down on their knees and sincerely beseech God to lead and guide in their marriage, and then study His inspired Word and follow it, they would have a kind of “heaven on earth,” at least as far as their marriage was concerned!

As much as this may surprise some who are not familiar with God’s ways, this is a fact. I have seen these principles work in this way in my own marriage and in the marriages of many, many others who trusted in God. To the degree that we follow this teaching, it works.

It is up to every one of us to make God the very center of our marriage! Wholeheartedly seek to find His will in every aspect of your marriage—and then follow it!

Chapter Two

Commitment and Trust

One of the traditional marriage ceremonies includes the expression, “till death do us part.” Although many young people today disdain this notion, it is absolutely vital that every marriage be built on this understanding. As we have seen, it is God who ordained marriage. It is Jesus Christ who said, “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:6, KJV). Although modern psychologists, counselors and even many professing Christian ministers seem anxious to provide married people with all kinds of “escape hatches,” God does not! Yes, “sexual immorality” (porneia in the Greek) is a God-acknowledged ground for divorce. But it is God’s expressed will that marriage be a life-long commitment! Notice this key passage in God’s revelation to mankind:

“And this is the second thing you do; you cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and crying; so He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with goodwill from your hands. Yet you say, ‘For what reason?’ Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant. But did He not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. ‘For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one’s garment with violence,’ says the Lord of hosts. ‘Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously'” (Malachi 2:13–16).

In the above verses, God speaks of marriage being a “covenant” relationship. He shows that one of the purposes of marriage is to produce “godly offspring.” Obviously, a stable and loving relationship is necessary in order to provide this. Three times in this passage, God speaks of one behaving “treacherously” and breaking up a marriage.

For, among other things, marriage is a “test.” It is a test to see how loyal you will be to God’s instruction regarding marriage and to your mate with whom you share this sanctified relationship. How much will you “give” of yourself to this other human being? How much will you be patient, kind and humble in order to make it work? Additionally, God says that He “hates” divorce (v. 16). God does not hate divorced people, but He despises the selfishness, the lust, the vanity, the self-centeredness and the “treachery” that is nearly always present when marriage is ruptured by divorce.

The powerful, God-inspired teaching of the Apostle Paul must be taken into account in every marriage: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” (Ephesians 5:22–25). These verses clearly show that marriage is a type of the relationship between Christ and the Church. The relationship is one of total submission to one another and to the will of God. It is to be a lasting relationship—lasting “till death do us part.” It is to picture the love, the total out-flowing concern and the resulting trust and stability that exists between Christ and His true Church.

Successful Marriage Requires Effort

To have this kind of God-ordained relationship in your marriage, you must both work at it! You will need to put the thought and energy into building your marriage that a top scientist might expend on an important new invention. Truly happy and successful couples never take their marriages for granted. Truly Christian couples regularly pray about their marriages. They study the Bible and other sources to improve their marriages. And they make a mutual commitment to make their marriages last—”till death do us part.”

All of this builds within their marriage a sense of “trust” and of stability. Indeed, as the author of Proverbs wrote: “Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:10–12). What a beautiful picture of loving service and commitment on the part of a godly wife! Such a wife ought to be deeply appreciated and treasured.

A man with a truly loving wife should certainly respond in kind by “laying down his life” for his mate—loving her, honoring her, protecting her, providing for her and serving her in every way he can. And any decent husband should never, ever, ever let his mind or his emotions get involved romantically with another woman. Jesus Christ calls this kind of lustful thinking adultery: “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).

If acted upon, such a treacherous deed will not only devastate his wife and probably wreck their marriage, it will bring about a depth of sorrow and agony—let alone anger—to the husband of the other woman.

The One who made us male and female tells us: “Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding; he who does so destroys his own soul” (Proverbs 6:32). The original Hebrew is sometimes translated “lacks heart” instead of “lacks understanding.” For such ill-conceived, rotten, totally selfish behavior will virtually “tear the heart” out of a loving husband who finds that he has been defrauded and dishonored in this way. Certainly the same thing happens to a wife who finds herself defrauded. For the deep feelings of love and trust, of hearth and home, of deep commitment and security are suddenly shattered! No wonder this passage continues: “For jealousy is a husband’s fury; therefore he will not spare in the day of vengeance. He will accept no recompense, nor will he be appeased though you give many gifts” (vv. 34–35).

All of us who are married, or who may in the future be married, should make a profound commitment to honor our marriage vows in every way! We should study God’s Word on this subject, pray daily regarding our marriage and our family, thank God regularly if we have a loving and faithful mate, and do all within our power—with God’s help—to build a deep sense of love, of trust and of stability within our marriage. “Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity; for that is your portion in life, and in the labor which you perform under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 9:9). In this physical life there is no greater blessing than this kind of sanctified relationship!

Chapter Three

Heartfelt Communication

As stated earlier, scores of women have cried out to me in despair: “My husband just won’t talk to me! That is why we are not close—he just doesn’t share anything with me. He just sits glumly at the table at mealtime or reading a paper or watching TV at night!”

The above example is typical of literally millions of marriages. Often, at least one of the partners thinks that he or she communicates. But the other partner, normally the woman, knows that they do not and feels alone and frustrated. She senses that she and her husband are simply coexisting in the same house. They do not necessarily fight and hurt each other physically or even verbally. But there is not the openness, the closeness, the total sharing of two lives, the love that there should be.

One authority on the subject quoted a woman discussing her ten-year marriage: “It’s heartbreaking. Before I was married, I used to go out to restaurants and just by looking around the room I could tell who was married and who wasn’t. Either the married couples were eating in dead silence, or the woman was gabbing away while the man ate and pretended she wasn’t there. I swore that this would never happen to me—but it has.”

Why such cases as the above? Why do husbands and wives, of all people, fail to communicate more fully with one another?

Loving means sharing. Every husband worthy of the name ought to cultivate the habit of talking over his plans and hopes with his wife, sharing with her many of his innermost thoughts and desires—not just the negative ones!— and make her feel deeply “a part” of him. This very attitude and approach means more to a woman than most men can even realize! Yet very few husbands share their lives in this way with their mates.

Why?

Newlyweds often work hard at learning and adjusting to each other’s attitudes and preferences. They take pleasure in exchanging opinions on almost everything.

After a few months, however, the opinions are all exchanged, the attitudes seemingly understood and the interest and excitement of “getting to know you” is over.

As the marriage continues and children come along, the wife’s interest and talk is increasingly about her children and a myriad of domestic details that usually hold little or no interest for the husband. The couple often take for granted each other’s attitudes on certain topics rather than even bothering to discuss them.

Most husbands care to hear only good news about their children, and are either irritated or bored if the wife confides in them the detailed problems involved in rearing their family. Wives usually miss their husbands most when the children are small. Having no adult in the house to talk to all day, such wives feel an urgent necessity to talk with their spouses at night. But many husbands retreat behind their papers or quietly turn on the Television rather than endure what they feel is a boring “rehash” of household frustrations.

A man needs to treat his wife as a “sweetheart.” He needs to cultivate and build an atmosphere of love, romance and intimacy in their home—kissing his wife when he returns from work, holding her hand as they are taking walks, and embracing her often throughout the day with free and lavish affection.

True love certainly involves deep and abiding respect. A man ought to be grateful and thankful that the woman who is his wife has decided to cleave to him above all others unto death. He ought to appreciate that fact—and the many, many good qualities of help, patience and service, which practically every wife possesses. He ought to encourage and bring out the best in her—not constantly harp and carp away at her in belittling criticism which only causes her, in most cases, to degenerate and respond in kind.

A man ought to respect the fact that his wife is an adult human being made in the image of God. He needs to realize that some day—according to the awesome plan of our Great God—she is intended to become a glorified spirit being ruling with Christ over this earth, even managing angels (1 Corinthians 6:3)!

With this kind of understanding and respect, every truly Christian husband should completely share his thoughts, his plans and his life with the lovely human being he has chosen to be his life partner. “My wife is my best friend,” should not be merely a cliché. It should be a reality. A mate who is a real friend helps us build our self-esteem, encourages us through the hard times and keeps us from being lonely. Couples who can discuss honestly whatever is important to them—including their own relationship—are happier and much more likely to have a lasting marriage. Even though there is a perceived risk in self-disclosure, getting the problems out in the open is much better than allowing festering hurts and misunderstandings to grow.

Communicate in a Positive Way

Remember that “listening” to your mate’s innermost hurts and concerns does not automatically call for your “judgment” or for your advice. Often it is better just to be someone to talk to. Then, over time, your mate will usually solicit your advice or comment. But let that be done on their initiative, not yours. But you need to show love and concern. You need to be willing to take time to really “listen” to your mate—showing genuine interest in what your sweetheart is saying and is going through. In this process, learn to ask questions and draw your mate out so you can more fully understand the situation: “Tell me more!” “I see. Do I understand this is what you are saying?” “I hadn’t realized that. Please help me understand more completely so I can share your concern,” and similar words of loving concern.

Never, never take advantage of your mate’s openness or self-disclosure! Then he or she will close up like a clam in the future. Regard the verbal intimacies you share in marriage as a sacred trust—to be kept confidential just between the two of you and never to be used as a “club” to gain advantage in a later argument or any other situation.

On the other hand, the approach of praising and encouraging your mate is vital. Be sure your praise is sincere and usually specific. Praising your wife for lovingly preparing a special meal, praising your husband for usually getting up first and warming up the home—these are examples of the kind of thoughtfulness and encouraging remarks that can inspire your mate and build love and appreciation within your marriage. In fact, think about that word “appreciation.” I can never forget the constant expressions of thankfulness and appreciation uttered by my own mother. It made all of us in the family love and appreciate her more—and I am sure it contributed a great deal to the happiness and stability of my parents’ long and happy marriage.

Remember that, in marriage especially, you should try to keep communication positive. For one partner to be constantly “picking at” or criticizing the other is not the kind of communication we are talking about! This type of negative harping is destructive to a marriage and should be avoided at all costs. A man is absolutely stupid to be continually haranguing and correcting his wife! How can she respond to him as a loving sweetheart when she is regularly “put down” and corrected by her husband? And the Bible makes it very plain that a wife is equally wrong if she is continually complaining, griping or haranguing her husband. “Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman” (Proverbs 21:9).

But, again, the loving, positive flow of communication, information and sharing of plans and dreams between a husband and wife is the very essence of a happy marriage. Think about it! Even God “shares” His hopes and plans with us puny mortal beings! “No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you” (John 15:15). If the living Jesus Christ was concerned enough to share “all things” with us that He heard from God the Father, how much more should we be willing to open up and share our thoughts and dreams with our own mates?

Work and Dream Together

In your walks and talks and laughter and tears, go back together, and relive the thoughts of a young boy who sat on a hillside, looking at the sky and dreaming of the future. Discuss and analyze those dreams lovingly and understandingly with one another. Then work and pray together to make them come true.

In like manner, relive the hopes and aspirations of a young girl who often walked alone at sunset across her father’s fields—dreaming of a husband and home of her own someday, of children, security, warmth, laughter and joy. Be sure you work together to make her dreams come true.

Learn to respond to one another—openly and lovingly. Have no improper secrets. Bear no grudges. This is your only life, your only mate, your only love. Learn to think and feel in unison, solving all your problems together as a team. The mutual encouragement and stimulation you will feel, along with the added warmth and love you will experience, will add an extra dimension of understanding and purpose and joy to your life that cannot be obtained in any other way. Truly, “it is not good that man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18).

Chapter Four

Marriage Means Giving

More than any human being has ever done, Jesus Christ exemplified the love of God. He did it in many, many different ways. But one of the greatest and most obvious ways is that He gave His life willingly and poured out His shed blood in order to be our Savior.

As we have seen, the relationship between Christ and the true Church pictures the relationship between husband and wife. After a lifetime of giving and serving, at the end of His human life, Jesus Christ gave Himself for the Church. So all husbands are instructed: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:25–28).

Normally, each of us just naturally thinks about his own needs. We take care of our own desires. We cater to what pleases us. But since God has made us “one flesh” in marriage, we need to learn to think that way—to constantly consider the needs and desires of our mate and how to take care of our “other half”! This involves thinking and planning and self-discipline. It involves the giving of oneself to another human being. And that is what marriage is all about!

One of the most meaningful sayings of Jesus Christ is found not in the Gospels, but in a statement of the Apostle Paul recorded in the book of Acts: “I have shown you in every way, by laboring like this, that you must support the weak. And remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive'” (Acts 20:35). In marriage, especially, it really is more “blessed” to give. For in most cases “the more you give the more you get.” As you genuinely try to encourage, to serve and to give, you will find that your mate will tend to reciprocate. You will both be giving. You will both be serving. You will both be pleased and even delighted at the warmth and appreciation this virtuous cycle creates in your marriage.

Each husband must carefully think through how he can increase his wife’s joy and fulfillment of life. Perhaps he can help her with the dishes and the housework at times. Most likely he should do virtually all of the heavy lifting chores around the home. Perhaps he can encourage her to get more sleep, more exercise, more recreation or a change of pace. If the family can afford it, maybe he can take her out to dinner once or twice a week, or on occasional weekend “honeymoon” trips to get her away from the normal routine and work. Surely he can try to enrich his wife’s life and his own by taking her to symphony concerts, art museums, educational lectures and other uplifting places. Whatever may be appropriate in each individual situation, all of these things and more are ways a husband may “give” to his wife.

In turn, a wife should often think about how she can enrich her husband’s happiness and his physical, emotional and intellectual life. Perhaps she can prepare his favorite meals more often. She may want to encourage him to get more exercise and sleep, and to take care of himself so he will be around longer. Perhaps she can take a nap in the afternoon or after work, or take a quick shower and change clothes so she will look and feel alert and pretty each evening, like she did when they were courting. She can encourage him to share his opinions about current events or about spiritual subjects. In whatever ways, she can respond generously to his affection, and try to make him feel “ten feet tall”—and extremely grateful to have married such a loving wife.

You may have heard that marriage is supposed to be a 50–50 proposition. You go half-way, and your spouse goes half-way. But who determines the half-way point if you disagree? True love, by contrast, means giving without expecting anything in return—giving 100 percent—and going above and beyond what you think is “expected” of you.

Christ talked about this principle of going the extra mile when He said: “And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two” (Matthew 5:41). Yes, even if you do not humanly feel like it, go the extra mile and give to your spouse. God will add what you lack. Ask Him to help you give more affection, love and respect to your spouse, and in time you will be blessed with the rewards and benefits of an improved marriage.

So think about ways you can give to your mate. Little gifts or words of appreciation make a big difference. An unexpected hug or kiss, requiring little effort on your part, may be a treasured gift in the eyes of your spouse. A simple question such as: “How was your day?” may be a welcome gift of attention to your spouse, providing a chance to share private thoughts and feelings.

I know a busy couple who nevertheless make time to show each other their mutual love and concern. One evening, while the wife was serving dinner, she asked her husband: “Is there anything else you need? The husband smiled and said: I need your love.” She smiled. He pushed back the chair. She sat on her husband’s lap, and they hugged and kissed. That kind of spontaneity, that eagerness to give to one another, helps to generate an atmosphere of love and peace.

It is not always romantic and it is not always idealistic, but night and day, year after year, a happy couple will strive to “give” of themselves to each other. Each will try to help his or her mate achieve the full human potential God intends, in every possible way. For we do not “get” a happy marriage unless we learn to give a happy marriage!

Chapter Five

Learn To Forgive

Another absolute imperative in a truly happy marriage is the willingness to forgive. When two people share their entire lives, when they are together much of each day and night, there is bound to be friction occasionally. For we are, after all, only human. And by far the best way to solve this real problem is God’s way.

To sulk, to brood, to conjure up evil thoughts about your mate or attribute to your mate wrong motives is totally senseless. It only breeds more trouble, more discontent and possibly even divorce. Certainly, as we have said, you need to talk about your hurts and misunderstandings. Try to really listen to your mate’s point of view—not just sit there and think about what you are going to say next! Do not just think about how you are going to get back at them or “get even.”

Get even?

Get even with whom? If you fully grasp and accept the fact that you and your mate are “one flesh” and bound together by God for life, then you would be trying to “get even” with yourself! You would simply be hurting yourself. You would, in effect, be “counter-attacking” yourself.

So if after a family argument or hearty discussion with your mate about some hurt—real or imagined—you still feel upset or angry with your mate, what should you do? Again, you simply need to do what God says you always need to do in such situations—forgive the other person!

“But it was really their fault!” we find ourselves saying. “And besides, they haven’t even apologized to me, so how can I forgive them?” Through heartfelt prayer and God’s guidance, you can learn to forgive all kinds of people for all kinds of real or imagined “wrongs” they have inflicted on you; that other driver “cutting you off” at the freeway exit, the kid next door playing his rock music way too loud into the night or the neighbor lady gossiping about you.

Speaking of actions far, far worse than any of these, the One who is our ultimate Example, Jesus Christ, said: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do” (Luke 23:34).

All of us must come to realize that most people do not “mean” to hurt us. They do not “mean” to do evil. They are simply human. They blurt out hurtful words or take harmful actions without thinking through what they are really doing. And so often it “hurts.”

But the One who gave His life for us commands: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14–15). If, then, we are to forgive every person in this way, how much more should we forgive our precious mate who has now become our own flesh and bone?

What if your husband keeps on tracking in dirt from the yard or grease from the garage? What if your wife keeps on burning the toast once or twice a week?

Learn to approach your mate constructively and talk it over, of course. But if some of these human foibles persist, even for years, then just keep right on forgiving. After all, would you rather scrape your burnt toast once in a while or would you rather live alone, do your own cooking and have no one to talk to or cuddle with on cold wintry nights? Never forget what Jesus commanded: “Then Peter came to Him and said, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven'” (Matthew 18:21–22).

The Spirit of Forgiveness

We all need to regularly ask God in prayer to give us the “spirit of forgiveness.” Some people seem to have a terribly hard time forgiving others. It is almost as though they “enjoy” carrying hurts and grudges around with them for years.

Remember, your anger toward other human beings usually does not hurt them at all. In fact, they may not even be aware of it! But it does hurt you. It does make you grumpy and miserable and often hard to live with. Professionals have found that these negative emotions often contribute to ulcers, stomach upsets, high blood pressure, stroke or even heart attack. Your negative emotions can literally kill you!

Again, ask your heavenly Father to help you get completely over this tendency and learn to love and to forgive all men—especially your own mate! Try to change your pattern of thinking so that you don’t get “hurt” so easily. Remember that God is called “the Father of mercies” (2 Corinthians 1:3). As you realize your own need to be forgiven again and again, ask God to help you forgive others.

The Apostle Peter was inspired to instruct all men to “honor” their wives, “as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7). Peter then proceeds to give instructions that apply to our entire Christian lives—but especially to our marriages: “Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing. For ‘He who would love life and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips from speaking deceit. Let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it'” (vv. 8–11).

We all need to view marriage as a kind of “workshop” to teach us how to give, how to share and how to forgive others on a continuing basis. As we study the above verses carefully, it becomes obvious that God wants us to learn to treat our mates with special kindness and courtesy. Yet, in most marriages, each partner quickly learns to take the other “for granted.” So each mate tends to let down and to speak disrespectfully and bluntly to the other. Each partner may forget how easy it is to hurt the other by thoughtless words and actions. Each may forget how vitally important it is in marriage to “seek peace and pursue it.”

Think about it. Think about how hard it probably is for your mate to put up with all of the acts of personal selfishness and the idiosyncrasies that you (and all of us!)have. If the situation were reversed, would you want to put up with you?

None of us can be joyful if we carry hurts and grudges around with us—especially toward our mates. So, with God’s help, learn to completely forgive your mate on a daily basis and move forward together to build a genuinely close and loving relationship.

Chapter Six

Build Your Family Kingdom

Building a happy marriage should also include the idea of building a “family kingdom.” There is an old saying: “A man’s home is his castle.” This analogy should apply to his entire family, where he is the king, his wife the beloved queen, and his children the royal princes and princesses who need training to fulfill their future responsibilities. So the parents enthusiastically work together to ensure that these future leaders are carefully nurtured, guided, disciplined and trained for the important roles they must play in years to come.

The intelligent and joyous blending of these two concepts in marriage—the open and loving union of the bodies, hearts and minds of the married couple, and the creation of the vital “family kingdom”—can and should produce an opportunity and an atmosphere where men and women can find complete fulfillment. This fulfillment is pictured by the Psalmist: “Blessed is every one who fears the Lord, who walks in His ways…. Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine in the very heart of your house, your children like olive plants all around your table” (Psalm 128:1, 3).

Once you fully grasp these concepts relating to the meaning and purpose of marriage, why not set about building your marriage and your home around them?

Instead of the husband and wife being bored and disinterested in sharing each other’s thoughts, both should be vitally interested in the miniature “family kingdom” which, together, they are energetically building. There should be a purposeful common interest in teaching and improving their home and their financial position and in planning for the future—their future.

For in a truly happy marriage, it is not “my house,” “my car,” or even “my paycheck.” Rather, the attitude should be “our house, our income, our future.”

Build Your “Castle” Together

And so the mutual attitude should constantly be forward-looking and planning for improvements in your “castle,” your home. The wife’s feelings, and her understanding and expertise in home decorating, landscaping, appliances, etc., should always be taken into account. Every major purchase such as a home or car should be a family project—affording the opportunity and benefit of a sharing experience between husband and wife.

Nothing to talk about?

No, everything to talk about and share. That is the correct answer.

Without being silly or unrealistic about it, husbands and wives should think of themselves as “partners” in a great adventure—in building a career, a business, a life together. They should talk over details regarding their mutual allies—their friends, business associates and relatives. With both husband and wife entering wholly into the discussion, they should plan their mutual strategy and discuss in detail what each can contribute to bring their goals in life closer to reality.

Then there are the children. What an area of discussion, planning, mutual problem solving and heartfelt sharing of hopes and dreams they provide!

Setting family goals together regularly can indeed produce a very meaningful “togetherness.” If both husband and wife are working, they may wish to have detailed discussions about how to set aside enough money so that after a few years the wife can stop working and they can have children. Later, they both need to discuss together how they can financially and otherwise plan for the time when the husband or wife—or both of them—may have to retire. How can they afford to do this? Where can they move to reduce expenses? What kind of lifestyle will give both of them the fulfillment they need as these events unfold? Can they develop a home-based business where they can continue to earn at least a modest income even after one or both of them retire?

If husband and wife each think of themselves as a “team,” their marriage can mean so much more. They will each be contributing on a regular basis to the “family kingdom.” They will each be giving, building and sharing the great adventure of life together in a special way.

Chapter Seven

Romance Is Vital

We are discussing “romance” last of all. Though it is the catalyst that draws young couples together, it often makes them forget the importance of the other aspects of marriage—many of which we have just discussed.

However, we must be certain not to leave “romance” out of the picture. For no matter how long two people have been married, no matter how “old” they seem to be, the deep human need for romantic love and affection is still there in most individuals. The desire to kiss and to cuddle, “to have and to hold,” is almost as basic in many people as breathing in and breathing out.

And there is nothing wrong with that!

For the Great God, who made us male and female, specifically designed our sexual parts. He made males and females attractive to one another. He created within us the feelings and emotions that lead to sexual expression. What was God’s first recorded command to Adam and Eve? “Then God blessed them, and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it'” (Genesis 1:28).

Note that in granting our first parents the “gift” of sex and human reproduction, God “blessed” them. For, if rightly used within the confines of marriage, sex is indeed a blessing. In a physical sense it brings about the complete union of the hearts, minds, emotions and bodies of two human beings who love each other so deeply they have committed themselves to each other for life. As we have seen, their coming together pictures the total union which will someday be achieved between Christ and the true Church of God (Ephesians 5:22–25).

This sanctified union of man and woman in marriage is so important that God devoted one of the Ten Commandments to protecting it! For our Creator commanded: “You shall not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14). And Jesus Christ enlarged or magnified this command—making it all the more binding: “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27–28).

However, if sex is used in marriage as a reaffirmation of love, of trust, of the spirit of giving of each mate to the other—then it is a beautiful and sacred thing in the sight of God. And, frankly, it should not be cheapened and made to seem coarse and common by its constant display, as in modern films, television and other media. This only serves to drag down into the gutter what God intended to be the supreme physical expression of married love—picturing Christ and the Church.

As I hope we can all see, Satan is “devilishly” clever in the way he can degrade and cheapen some of God’s blessings by inciting the misuse of something. And by deceiving millions of people into misusing the gift of sex, Satan is able to tear down the God-given basis for all decent society—the home and the family. That is exactly what is happening to most of our western societies at this time! On the other hand, God wants young married couples to love each other to the full. His inspired revelation tells us: “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4).

Again, the Bible instructs us: “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love. For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, and be embraced in the arms of a seductress?” (Proverbs 5:18–20).

When a young couple first start courting, they usually spend a lot of time in romantic activities. They will take long walks under the moonlight. They will eat out at romantic cafés, perhaps go

dancing, hold hands, laugh together and try to fully understand and appreciate this other person whom they are considering as a life-partner. They will nearly always be clean, neat, well-groomed and perhaps wearing a fine perfume or cologne. In every way, they will “put their best foot forward.”

But after marriage and the honeymoon period, most couples begin to let down. The husband may not bathe properly before coming to bed. The wife may let her hair look like a mop or wear dowdy dresses around her husband. She may “forget” to bathe, or perhaps to put on a pretty dress and look special to him when he comes home from work. Nowadays, with so many wives in the work force, this is even harder for a woman to do.

However, both husband and wife must try to “keep the fires burning” in their romance! They should try to do all they can to continue to show each other the special attentions and courtesies they did when they were courting and when they were first married. A loving husband will kiss his wife goodbye in the morning, give her a special hug and kiss when he returns from work, thank her and kiss her again “for dessert” after the evening meal. Perhaps he will help her put away the dishes, sneak up and hug her while she is standing by the sink, etc. Each mate should try to lavish affection and appreciation on the other. Then, the “finale” will come very easily and naturally. For the two mates will have been “loving” each other all day long and, in a physical way, it will make their marriage a joyous and beautiful thing!

Give a great deal of thought and attention to this absolutely vital aspect of your marriage. Do not let anything get in the way of building this kind of loving, romantic atmosphere in your home. Do not let “job worries” interfere. Do not let concerns over the children, over keeping the house in “perfect” condition or over anything stop you from building within your home and marriage the special romance and joy that your Creator intended!

Husbands, do not be fussy, or grumpy or demanding toward your wife. Love and encourage her and cause her to want to respond to your constant affections and kindness. Try to “give” yourself to your mate in every way you can and make her life full and joyous.

Wives, put forth the time and effort to be your husband’s “sweetheart.” Return his affection and try to inspire and encourage him in every way you can. Within God’s laws, try in every way to make him feel happy and fulfilled. Smile at him, “kid” with him, kiss him back passionately and make him glad that he married you.

In all of these ways, and more, each of you should learn to genuinely love and to “cherish” your mate. Get down on your knees in prayer and ask God to help you be the loving mate you ought to be! And give Him grateful thanks for providing you with a life-long partner, a lover, a friend, a companion with whom you can fully share the blessings of this physical existence.

Ask God to help you put to use all of the above “keys” to a joyous marriage. Then, in spite of the trials and tests that come to all of us, you will have someone who is truly “special” to encourage you and help you along the way. And, in this God-ordained union we call marriage, you will be learning in a remarkable way how to obey the second great commandment from our Creator: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39).

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